If you are currently at home due to this global crisis, then you might be challenged. Here are 5 work from home tips to keep your spirit and sanity intact.
Continue reading5 Work-From-Home Tips to Keep Your Spirit & Sanity Intact
5 ways to allow yourself a mental health day
I don’t remember when the first time I heard the term “mental health day” was but I thought it was a great idea. When I was young and single and living in San Francisco, I prided myself on never taking vacation days or sick days and pretty much worked all the time.
By the time I was a parent and my kids were in school six days a week, I realized that every once in a while, they needed a day at home. Six days a week is a lot of days to get up and get organized and get out the door to school. Especially for little people who get tired and need unstructured time to play.
When was the last time you did something just for fun? It rained a bit this morning. Well, sprinkled actually. I stood outside feeling each drop on my face and took a deep breath. I remember standing outside in the rain with my sister in a parking lot once watching a brilliant rainbow form into the deep jewel tones and then begin to fade after a few minutes. People stopped their cars and asked us if we needed anything or were okay. I laughed because at that moment I was all perfectly okay.
Check in on yourself
What I often suggest during sessions with my clients when they are deep in an emotional downpour is to stop and try to notice things around them. Get out of their own heads for awhile.
What triggered this darkness?
When did they begin to feel unwell, or stressed or anxious?
Were there certain people or events that triggered their downward spiral?
Was it a series or cluster of things?
With these simple questions, we can sometimes pinpoint the moment when things were okay to when they were no longer okay. It can be an event that happened years earlier or something that happened yesterday. And when a trigger can be acknowledged and recognized it no longer has the same power or can be avoided in the future.
It’s all about recognition of patterns that are negative and disrupting or discarding those patterns and the development of newer healthier patterns. In practical terms what does that mean?
If you are so wound up in your stress or sadness or circumstance that you can’t see anything beyond it it’s time for you to take a mental health day.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2020 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
Here are 5 ways to allow yourself to take a mental health day
1. Breathe.
It’s time to take a deep breath. Take a minute to try and gain some perspective on the situation. If a minute isn’t long enough, take an hour.
2. Change your environment.
Go outside. Get out of the house or the office. Wherever you are feeling trapped or anxious, move. When my own anxiety was crippling, I opened the curtains and let the light in. It doesn’t fix anything but it can make you feel more hopeful. Listen to some music, a podcast, watch a brain candy movie or television show. Anything you can do to change what you see.
3. Get off your own back.
Get out of your own way. I have a friend who used to say “Get off the soapbox we need the wood.” What that means is take a step outside your own story or situation and try to look at it from another perspective. Sometimes people get trapped in their own victimhood and cannot move.
4. Give yourself permission to not be okay for a while.
I have heard clients say, “I am so blessed. I shouldn’t be so unhappy, so sad, so anxious.” Why not? Life is messy and complicated and stressful. Step away for as long as you need to, to get out of the funk that is bringing you down. Is there an event you have been dreading to attend? Don’t go. Give yourself permission to say no.
5. Ask for help.
I know this is a big one and many people have trouble asking. Personally, I didn’t learn how to ask for help until I had a tumor on my brain removed and got PTSD. I had to ask for help. And now I help other people. If we would listen more closely, people offer to help all the time, we just don’t listen. You know that song, “No man is an island, no man stands alone”? The words may be silly but it doesn’t make it any less true.
No one can do this life alone. At least not do it well. It’s too complicated and there is too much sadness and sorrow and stress to do alone. If you are overwhelmed delegate if possible. If you let people know you are in distress sometimes they will surprise and help you to feel better.
Permission granted to do whatever you need to do to feel better. It’s not embarrassing to be human. We are imperfect.
Striving for perfection is a great way to feel bad about not achieving it. (Tweet it!)
Admitting your humanity is a good way forward. Towards better mental health. Take a day.
And if you need someone to talk to I am here to help.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: I encourage you to check in on yourself. Are you ok? Do you need a mental health day?
5 ways to celebrate (and enjoy!) the holidays
Every day can be difficult around and leading up to the Holidays. Every year the Holiday messages start appearing earlier and earlier.
And you can bet that every message through every medium no matter what you watch or listen to or tune into online is showing you happy, whole, multigenerational people celebrating the very well decked out and prosperous holidays.
So what do you do if you are already dreading the next few months? What if you bought your Halloween candy even though your kids are too old to trick or treat and want to eat all the bags yourself because the holidays are looming and you know it’s going to suck?
I’ve developed five basic rules over the years that can make the transition into the holidays easier and happier for all concerned.
Here are my 5 rules to celebrate (and enjoy!) the holidays!
1. Invent new traditions
Just because something has been done before for a year or many years this isn’t a good enough reason to keep doing it if you don’t enjoy it. If it is something to be endured not enjoyed. That is a perfect recipe for being depressed and anxious during the Holidays.There is nothing sadder than trying to keep traditions alive without all the people that used to participate in them. (Tweet it!)
This is especially true if you have lost a loved one in the last year. Or your children are grown up and not really interested in family dinners. Or the travel is just too expensive this year. It’s a lot of pressure, and if you aren’t happy and enthusiastic your children will feel the tension and the only thing you will be celebrating is when the meal is over and you can return to your own corners, smartphones, Netflix, or whatever. Ask your kids what they would like to do this season. Get them involved. Their ideas may surprise you. Harry Potter marathon anyone? Experiment with a holiday dish you’ve been wanting to try but never made because your third cousin is vegan or has celiac disease. Wear your pajamas all day long. Just be okay with whatever you decide. If being with your family is too much for you, skip it this year. You and your children can make other plans. There is nothing more uncomfortable than having people discuss your divorce and your social life over a family dinner or at a holiday party. Or discuss politics that make you cringe.2. Decorate and make your environment festive
It doesn’t matter what holiday you celebrate getting your home to look more festive is an easy way to create an atmosphere of positivity. If you have never decorated before, this is a perfect time to start. If you have boxes of old ornaments, choose only the ones that bring you joy. Think about what you can do to liven up your space. If money is tight, streamers and paper chains are a good family activity and participation is a good way to get everyone into the spirit. It’s not about the stuff. It’s about being together. Most kids used to love hanging streamers and with colored paper and with a little tape or glue or staples and some paper you can make homemade streamers. If you are not a DIY person, a couple of candles and a happy upbeat saying on a piece of wood is festive. Soap in shapes you like. Some cinnamon and spice in a dish or a pine cone to display. A few hand towels with snowmen on them. A snow globe from a trip or your own hometown. Use the good dishes. A mug with a saying you like filled with candy on the table. Or buy a poinsettia. It is an amazingly hardy plant with bright red and green leaves. They are available everywhere and will last for months with very little care. I never understood why people don’t use the good dishes more often. Unless they are irreplaceable or very fragile why not bring them out? If they belonged to your mother or grandmother or you bought them at Target it doesn’t really matter. If you like looking at them or they bring a smile to your face, bring them out.3. Don’t be alone unless you really want to be alone
Some people don’t like the holidays. That’s fair. If you want to and are able to skip the whole season do it. I have a friend who goes away for the whole month and invites people to come to visit but doesn’t deal with the holidays anymore. She is much happier and so then her family is happier and there are no expectations. If the kids are celebrating with your ex on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or First Night of Hanukkah, join someone else’s family celebration. Don’t sulk at home! Unless your dream for a perfect holiday includes binge-watching your favorite movies in cozy pajamas with hot chocolate stirred with a candy cane. Okay, maybe that’s just me. Take your partner and skip town. Not all places are booked during the winter. Especially somewhere cold. If that appeals to you look into it. House swapping is a more affordable way to disappear. Ask for help if you are feeling desperate before the Holidays begin. There is no reason to be in pain if someone can help you.Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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4. Be proactive, be proactive, be proactive
The holidays should not come as a surprise. They are mostly on the same days every year. So start early on your preparations so you won’t be caught off guard or get extra stressed. The day after Halloween, Christmas decorations go up and people start talking about Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Hanukkah, or whatever they plan to celebrate. It’s just a day. 24 hours. If you have kids, don’t fight about who gets whom when and where. It just adds to the stress of an already stressful time of year. If you aren’t a fan of the holidays, try to think of the ways you can include things that you want to do. Do the work before the day. Don’t wait until the morning of to suffer. Talk to a counselor, clergy, friends, and family and make sure they all know how you are. Make plans and try not to wallow. It’s a difficult time of year for lots of people and you will only be alone if you want to be. If people don’t know your situation, they can’t help.5. Get into the spirit of giving
Keep in mind the things you are grateful for. I suggest to my clients to start a bullet journal. Not a big production, there is even an app for notes on your phone. Just jot down things as they come to you so you can read them over when you’re feeling blue. I always wondered why blue is the color of sadness. Maybe because it’s the color of a bruise? They can be small things, like not having your uncle Harry’s nose. Your sense of humor. Or larger, more soulful things, like the fact that your friends and family are healthy and safe. Being grateful and counting your blessings is a documented way to start feeling more positive. There are so many people in need right now between floods, shootings, and fires. It’s a great time to donate things that you no longer want or need. Being generous doesn’t mean writing a check necessarily. It can also mean donating your time as well as unwanted or unneeded items. There are churches, synagogues, community centers, and all sorts of charities that run programs all year but especially during the holidays. Sometimes helping others less fortunate brings the spirit of the holidays home in a way spending money or buying presents can’t. Peace on Earth. Send light into the universe. Joy begets joy. Be kind to yourself. Now over to you: What will you do to make your holiday season a little brighter this year? 5 powerful words you should exclude from your vocabulary
Words have tremendous power to hurt or heal. And when used on ourselves or repeated internally because someone once said them to us, it is not a good enough reason to have such a negative internal dialogue. These are the words I am trying to eradicate from my internal/external vocabulary.
JUDGEMENT
Unless you are a sitting court judge on the bench, you shouldn’t be spending your precious time judging other people. Evolutionarily we judged other beings to keep ourselves safe. Big hairy guy with spear running your direction might not be friendly and you should turn around and run. That kind of judgement could save your life but in most cases we don’t need that kind of judgement anymore. Judging other people still comes from fear but not necessarily fear for our lives. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of difference. Or fear of other. It is so much easier to dismiss someone different. Or to compartmentalizing them as a non-person but an outfit, a pair of shoes, skin color, hair style, music choice, or political party affiliation. These little snap judgements isolate us as human beings. Next time you hear that judgey voice stream across your brain, take a moment, take a breath, and let that feeling go. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Believe or not it’s a basic tenant of a lot of religions out there. It takes practice not to give in to that superior/inferior vibe. Try to put yourself in the other person’s place for a minute and be less harsh with your fellow human beings. Even if you never say it out loud. This one takes practice. The younger more fearful me used to say, “God gave me judgement to use it to be judgmental.” Charming right?COMPARING
Have you ever compared yourself to someone and felt better? Has your comparison made you feel less than or not good enough? Did it start in childhood? Is it hard for you to celebrate other people’s wins? Do you feel excluded even when whatever is going on doesn’t have anything to do with you? Stop comparing. We are all so different. And blessed in many ways. My children just took a trip together and had a marvellous time. Of course, they documented it on Facebook and Instagram. Other parents came up to me and felt they had to tell me that their kids don’t get along very well. Or they looked wistful and said they wished that their kids had a different relationship. These interactions left me feeling a little sad. Why? Because all these parents were feeling bad somehow because my kids who fought like wild animals when they were young had a nice experience together. They have grown up to be good friends. Somehow this left other parents feeling lacking. STOP COMPARING. Next time you feel like she has, or they have, or I don’t have, stop and take a breath and feel grateful for what you do have. Maybe be happy for someone else who has something you don’t. But it doesn’t matter. Maybe it isn’t important. Life is hard enough without constant comparing. There will always be someone out there with more (subjectively) or less (subjectively) than you have. It’s a universal truth.Stop beating yourself up for what you don’t have and try to be grateful for what you have. (Tweet it!)
It’s a mind shift, and it will make you feel better if you let it.PERFECT
A search for perfection is a race never won. Nothing is perfect, and no one is perfect. Chasing perfection is like a dog chasing his tail. Never will catch it and if he does then what? According to you tube these silly sweet puppies fall over, cry out in pain when they bite their own tails and start doing all over again. Perfect can keep you from doing anything. I’ll do it when I lose five-ten-50 pounds. If I can’t do it perfectly then I’m not doing it at all. How many times has it stopped you? Have you thrown a party only to be so exhausted by the effort that you don’t enjoy the festivities? I have done that. Thanksgiving for 30. I prepared for days. When guests arrived, I could barely smile and I couldn’t wait for them to leave. Life isn’t school, and no one is grading you. I have taught so many students over the years who wasn’t happy with an 89 even though they only needed an 80 to continue with their studies. They couldn’t enjoy their accomplishments because it wasn’t good enough. Not perfect. My friend and mentor Sam Bennett talks about getting a “C” and just get it out there. She was talking about creative work, but it could have meant just about anything. Sometimes now I get a “C” and it’s okay, better than okay, I keep moving forward. And my guess is most of the “C’s” we get are kind of like most people’s “A’s”.CAN’T
Okay, so you can’t fly because you don’t have wings, but you could hang glide or skydive. That’s almost flying. And if you are using words like “can’t” because it’s something you haven’t done before – how do you know you can’t? Because you are female? Because you might not have succeeded in the past? Or because you are too old? Too young? You don’t really know you can’t. Do you? In my forties I went back to school to get a master’s degree. I had been a good student 20+ years earlier, but I was petrified that first day of class. Mom of two by then but I was so nervous I was sick to my stomach before the first class began. Puked my guts out, rinsed my mouth out and walked into the first class. Yep I was the oldest person there. Older than the instructor but I deserved to be there, and I was going to get everything out of this class I could. Do you use can’t because you don’t want to do something? Are you afraid to hurt people’s feelings? Is no not a word you are comfortable with? Follow your first impulse, thank the person or organization for thinking about you, and say maybe next time. We only get one life and our days should be filled with many more want to’s than have to’s.FAILURE
Are you defining yourself as a failure? Have you lost a war? Caused a citywide blackout? So, why use the word failure? Did you try something new that you were not entirely successful with? Are you a parent, co-worker, husband, wife, divorced? Is anyone else except that nasty voice inside your head calling you a failure? So, stop it! Okay? The messages we get from the media are generally negative. If you don’t weigh 100 pounds, own a jet, or make billions of dollars does that make you a failure? No and no and no. Stop giving in to old messages that you have internalized since the third-grade spelling bee. So, you don’t spell well. Big deal. That’s what spell check is for, right? Have you been divorced a couple times? I applaud your optimism for continuing to believe in happily ever after. No one gets through this life unscathed. Are there things you wish you had done differently? Okay. We learn and grow and try not to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Have you yelled at your children? Your parents? Traffic? Forgotten a birthday or anniversary? Congratulations, you are human!Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2020 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox. [magicactionbox id=1256]
My point is
Words are powerful. They can be helpful or hurtful. Why would we use the negative ones on ourselves over and over? Give yourself the credit for overcoming challenges, showing up, being a kind person. And next time you feel yourself start to get angry take a breath and let it pass. Be kind to yourself. Now over to you: Do you agree? What words have been hurtful to you? Loneliness and Being Alone: How to Tell the Difference
Almost every single one of my clients asks at some point, “Why is it so hard to be alone?”
But I think this question is confusing. Most of all my clients have chosen to end a relationship that was destructive to their self-esteem, their self-worth, their children, or their physical body. Some are left by a thoughtless, self-centered narcissist. And although they’re emotionally devastated, they know in their hearts that it’s better for this negative, soul-sucking influence to be out of their lives.
On modern loneliness
Loneliness is an epidemic in our fast-paced, technologically obsessed world. Text messages are convenient and quick, but they can’t take the place of a real connection to a real person, in the flesh. Even the telephone has been replaced by email, WhatsApp, Facebook, iMessage, or any number of other apps that don’t allow you to hear the person’s voice or tone or inflection. Evolutionarily, we can only handle between 100-200 friends, acquaintances, and colleagues. So if you have 1,000 people on your Facebook page, who are your friends and what kind of friends are they? There is something soothing and magical about a face-to-face conversation. There are countless studies on the subject. As social beings, we need the real interaction. So the real questions are:What are you lonely for? And why is being alone so hard? (Tweet it!)
As survivors of divorce, are we lonely for the intimacy that a partner provides? Is it the physicality of being in a partnership? The sex? Having someone to cook for or someone to cook for you? Drilling down on the need that is not being met is a better way to answer this question. Are we lonely or alone because we spend so much time keeping up on social media that we have lost the connections with the real people in our lives?On being alone
Yes, being alone is hard. Intimacy takes time to create. I don’t suggest you jump back into a relationship or have breakup sex. Just examine what you are feeling. We need people. Loneliness can be alleviated by calling a friend and actually meeting face to face. So this week, ask one of your geographically close friends to have a drink or a coffee or see a movie and see if that makes you feel less lonely. At our core, we are tribal people and we are interdependent and interconnected to the people around us. Try getting of the internet and really connecting.How to cope
And when do we feel the loneliest? In 12-step recovery programs, the HALT method is applied when one is more likely to lapse into addictive behavior.- Hungry
- Angry
- Lonely
- Tired
5 simple suggestions how to overcome overwhelm and take control of your life
Overwhelmed seems to be the state of being for most of us these days. Most of us live in a modern, fast-paced, overstimulated life.
Overwhelmed by the flood of information on our smartphones, we find it hard to unplug. It’s a strong lure to have the internet open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Overwhelmed by the volume of tasks we must complete every day, both at home and at work. We are in a constant state of carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. Feeling like the Greek mythological titan, Atlas, has become common.
Overwhelmed emotionally by living in toxic relationships, bombarded by negative energy and intention. We don’t take care of ourselves until we are ill.
No small wonder that the dictionary defines overwhelmed as “being buried beneath a large mass or heavy object”. That’s how being overwhelmed feels. A heavy weight that translates into a physiological weight we are all tote around all the time.
How do we overcome the overwhelm?
Here are five simple suggestions which I suggest to my clients in order to recognize their burden, then feel lighter and freer immediately.
1. Organize and prioritize
Some of us go old school on this one, relying on a pen and paper. There is something about the weight of the page and ink that has a focusing effect on some of us. Think about going back to real pages in a diary, on a calendar, or a hardcover datebook in order to keep yourself organized. When I begin to feel like I’m juggling too many things at one time, I get out a legal pad, or my favorite notebook, and make lists.
These lists get prioritized into ‘immediate’ (as right now), ‘eventually’ (to do pretty soon), and then the ‘probably’ (not any time in the near future). When you break down your list, you’ll quickly see what needs your attention. And if something repeatedly shows up in the ‘probably’ column, it might be time to let it go.
2. Put boundaries on overstimulation
Have one place where your electronics sleep at night. And make that not near your head or right next to your bed. If any of you have children, they will watch how you deal with electronics and the internet. If you are on it all the time and hardly ever make eye contact, they will take this as a sign that it’s okay.
A news cycle repeats itself about every twenty minutes. You can see or hear it all day. Spending time immersed in negative news and sensationalism is not going to help you be focused, concentrated, or calm. If you really want to know something right away, pick a source, give yourself a time limit, then turn it off. Siri and Alexa are rabbit holes, sucking you back to your electronics and away from a calm mind.
How about a local online newspaper to get your local news? Unless there’s dangerous weather approaching, where your safety depends on constant updates, turn it off.
Music is good. An intelligent or funny podcast is great.
Spending your days listening to the woes of the world which you have no influence on, is a setup for stress, sadness, and aggravation. (Tweet it!)
3. Say ‘no thank you’ when you mean ‘no’
Limit your time with toxic people or situations. Most of us want to do the right thing. We want to be there for other people, institutions, and organizations that we care about. At the same time, modern life has spread us too thin with a countless amount of those ‘immediate’ obligations.
My friend and mentor, Sam Bennett, has a great solution to this problem. When someone asks you to be part of something and your gut immediately says “no”, listen to your gut. If ‘maybe’ is really ‘maybe’, then ask to get back to them. If maybe means no then thank them for thinking about you and say it doesn’t work in your schedule. No more agonizing at the last minute when you said yes but really don’t want to go. Say no. Save your energy for the things you really want to do.
4. Take care of yourself
Eat well, sleep well, and be your biggest fan.
I have a client who carries around a big heavy stress bucket. She hates disappointing people and constantly feels overwhelmed. We worked out a saying to get her to take time enough not to volunteer for everything and be better to herself. You may call it a mantra, meditation, or a handful of other things but it goes:
“I am a capable, kind, well-educated human being and people love me. I deserve to be happy.”
When you feel yourself sliding into a stressful or overwhelming situation, breath. Think of someone you love and draw energy from that memory to help you cope.
Take care of yourself, eat well, sleep well, and be your biggest fan.
5. Stop the cycle from drama to trauma
We all know people who live in this cycle of drama. We also know the ones who like to pull the rest of us into it. Many of us have a friend or acquaintance where everything in their life is a HUGE event. Everything is a big deal. No one understands them, and no one works as hard. No one feels the same tremendous pressure, and no one has the enormous responsibility.
They suffer and are always in the middle of some crisis or catastrophe or other. They constantly ask for help, attention, or an audience. These folks, however well-meaning, are exhausting. Life is challenging enough without making every little detail a drama.
So you have a choice. They can either dial down the drama of their own personal reality show, or you can turn it off. This kind of a person is generally self-centered and isn’t a good listener. They get some kind of satisfaction having you become part of their drama.
Choose calm
We all experience at least one of these stresses simultaneously. Choose calm and limit your exposure. Overwhelm should motivate us to action and then be let go.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: What has got you feeling overwhelmed?
If you need some help, send me a WhatsApp message and let’s connect and work together towards a less overwhelmed existence.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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Don’t just get mad get moving
It was hard not to have been riveted to and horrified by the ugly drama that unfolded in the US Senate Judiciary Committee Hearings last year. It looks like Trump’s nominee Brett Kavanaugh is not a Supreme Court Justice who behaves not very judge like.
It’s easy for these senators to say they believed Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony against their nominee, but they still voted for Kavanaugh to be the newest member of the Supreme Court. It is astonishing to note that these allegations, in any other industry, especially a media company, in this time and at this moment in history would have been enough to get the guy fired and possibly have criminal charges brought against him.
The problem is simple
There are people in this world that don’t care what you have to say or what has happened to you. These folks are so used to getting their own way and being part of the 1% that, when there is some pushback, they freak out. Bullies do not like to be stood up to and often their bluster, threats of violence, and bad behavior is enough to keep people quiet. It’s not a political thing it’s a bad behavior thing. And it’s been working since the dawn of time.
So what do we do?
If you don’t vote or get your voice out there to be heard, then you don’t get to bitch.
Be a mama bear. Protect yourself and the people you are responsible for. Call people out. Be brave. And if you feel afraid and alone, get some help. Talk about your fear and your heartbreak. Be loud and persistent and find a channel that works for you.
When you tell your story, it no longer has the same power over you. You can begin to heal and think about moving forward.
I am not saying take on a violent predator by yourself. But if you are in danger, ask for help. And keep asking until someone listens and you get what you need. Make your suffering count. Use it to your advantage to move forward. There is even a psychological term for this process: Post-traumatic growth. I have seen it in my own coaching practice. I have used it in my own life and you can as well.
When I was in college, I still thought I was big and tough and scary and no one would mess with me. That was until I was sexually assaulted by one of my professors. (Tweet it!)
Of course, this was the 80’s so I assumed it was my fault. He told me as well. It was a horrible, life-altering experience. I did tell a few friends who offered to kill him which I thought was nice. I told my story to other women as a warning and a bonding missive. There was also someone who heard my story second or third hand and reached out to me. And because he was part of the student administration at the time this associate professor was denied tenure and left the college at the end of that same year.
Someone listened to me and believed me. Someone heard me and was willing to get involved. I was lucky to have a supportive group of friends around me. Later, I did work with other victims. Unfortunately, there were a lot of victims. Like a lot of college campuses and apparently many workplaces as well at the time and still, where women are targets and through no fault of their own and need to be careful.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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I was hoping things would change
I had hoped with the #metoo movement that things were changing. Big sigh here. I believe in many parts of society things are changing. But not enough, and not yet.
Dr. Ford, in my eyes, is a hero in her own story and in mine. She put herself at great personal risk to tell the truth. Her life, for however long the news cycle lasts, will be a hot topic and under intense pressure and personal scrutiny. Whether you believe her story or not, she is a model of integrity. Something I can’t say for most of the other actors in this reality show.
I had a lawyer try to explain to me (mansplain) that “her testimony would not hold up in court. And as a lawyer, her story had holes in it.” I put up my hand in front of his face and told him to stop talking. I noted that a nomination hearing isn’t a court of law and if he wished to continue speaking to me he needed to stop attacking a woman for telling the truth about her personal, physical assault.
Be the hero in your own story
If you have been wounded or injured or have been through a distressing or disturbing incident, I urge you to get some help. If you are able to talk about it, many times this helps. Having someone hear you helps.
While working through your sadness or trauma, seek out like-minded people. Join a group. Avoid people or situations that make you feel unsafe or put you in any form of a defensive posture.
Don’t be silent. Make some noise. Be loud and unapologetic. Refuse to internalize or accept the shame that society may heep on you. (Tweet it!)
Do not accept the title of victim, although you may have been victimized, as so many women in the #metoo movement have been. Injuries do not have to be physical to cause great and lasting harm. There is no expiry date on a trauma. Sexual assault at any level at any time shouldn’t be okay. Notorious Ruth is going to be very lonely.
If you want a quick education about the Supreme Court and equal rights and why you should care, watch RBG – a CNN documentary about her tenure on the Court. And thank you to the men and women who listen and hear and understand.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: Are you ready to talk about it? When you are, I’m here. This is a safe place.
You got boobs? Love someone with boobs?
It’s October and Breast Cancer Awareness Month. My inbox is flooded with pink offers from all kinds of retailers. In an effort to cash in on this annual event and also spread the word about breast cancer, early detection, and saving lives.
“Breast cancer is the most commonly occurring cancer in women and the second most common cancer overall. There were over 2 million new cases in 2018.” World Cancer Research Fund.
According to the American Cancer Society the new guidelines for breast screening exams are as follows. This chart does not apply if breast cancer runs in your family, then screening begins much earlier. Ask your doctor.
Women ages 40 to 44 should have the choice to start annual breast cancer screening with mammograms (x-rays of the breast). 45 to 54 year old women should get mammograms every year. Women 55 and older should switch to mammograms every 2 years, or can continue yearly screening.
Happy birthday
Every year someone from my HMO calls at the beginning of August and congratulates me on my upcoming birthday. I’m always surprised since I’m always the one trying to get in touch with them, waiting on hold endlessly, being transferred to the wrong extension or department, and eventually being disconnected only to start the process all over again.
I have tried to use the online website and I usually get myself into a loop and can’t figure out what I did wrong and have to input my information and password all over again at least three times before I give up. It can be a frustrating and fruitless experience. But to schedule a mammogram they call me.
Early detection saves lives. (Tweet it!)
Back to the chirpy woman from the HMO. I laughed and thanked her. I was ready to end the conversation. That would make a good story. But as I was about to hang up, she invited me to come in for a mammogram. Oh right, that time of year again.
This wasn’t my first mammogram. I had had a mammogram once or twice around my fortieth birthday. But that was before. Before my mother died of cancer, before friends’ mothers had died of cancer, and before friends had died of cancer. Before my cousin and my dear friend have gone through breast cancer. When my children were living at home not going back and forth between their father and me. Or living in another city.
I like my breasts
Haven’t really given them too much thought. The two times they get the most attention from me is bra shopping and bathing suit shopping. I appreciate them for their engineering as I was lucky enough to have breastfed my children for a year each. And smelled like sour milk for the whole time. Very glamorous. My choice as it should be every woman’s choice. But that was a long time ago.
And now, people at parties speak about recent colonoscopies, high cholesterol, and physical therapists, and upcoming back surgeries. Not books they’ve read or places they’ve visited and restaurants that must be tried. If this was getting older, I didn’t want any part of it. Not the talk, not the tests, and certainly not the results.
My boyfriend and I are lucky. We have been together a good long while and are mostly healthy. We look young for our age, but we both need to exercise more and eat less junk. But I don’t worry so much anymore about being alone because I know he will be around when I need him. He offered to go to the mammogram with me and so did my daughter. I declined both offers. I would save those favors for when I really need them.
I’m wondering
Which begs the question, could I be the eighth of nine who didn’t have breast cancer in my lifetime? I doubt it. I check all the boxes when filling out medical forms. Cancer in your immediate family? Check. Heart disease? Check. High Cholesterol? Check. High Blood Pressure? Check. Major surgery? Check.
A dear friend of mine had her own post-fifty mammogram a few years ago and the results were positive for cancer. She had surgery almost immediately, only took a couple days off, and kept working. She didn’t tell very many people, and on the anniversary of her diagnosis, she started an emergency relief fund for other women diagnosed with breast cancer.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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I’m a good crisis buddy
I’m the one she calls when she has to do an annual CT or MRI and drove her to appointments when her husband couldn’t be with her. We sit companionably in the offices and wards where the atmosphere is cheerfully stifling. The lights are too bright and the walls are too white. Some of the women looked healthy. Others painfully thin and drawn with headscarves and caps pulled over their ears. Some had moon faces bloated from medication. People spoke in murmurs. The only laughter is ours. And there is never quite enough air.
So the day of my mammogram arrives (early detection saves lives) it’s never pleasant. And don’t let anyone tell you differently it’s like getting your breast smashed in an elevator door and then told to hold still in a darkened room that is too cold. Then the other one and you can’t wear deodorant or antiperspirant or lotion of any kind and you are sweating from every pore in spite of the cold.
Sitting in this waiting area with a group of women I don’t know as we shyly smile at one another and nod knowingly. One by one each woman’s name is called and they filed in with their paperwork. As our numbers decreased, we shifted to the chairs closer to the door. The screenings don’t end with the mammography.
Very often if the film of the mammogram doesn’t come out clean or clear or you are at a higher risk or the policy changes and an ultrasound is back in the basket, you do an ultrasound after the mammogram. Today was one of those days.
I was the last one in the waiting room
The woman doing my ultrasound couldn’t find my records. We tried my maiden name and married name. Then a combination of them both. I explained that I was divorced and changed my name back to the one I was born with. She eventually located my record. We chatted about work, children, marriage, and divorce. As I was getting dressed she told me I was remarkable. And she wished she had as much courage as I did. I thanked her and texted her my divorce attorneys number. Early detection saves lives.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: Are you taking care of yourself when it comes to early detection?
That Rainy Day Is Just What You Needed
Saving is usually a good thing. Save money, save time, and save yourself the trouble. But is there a point where we save too much? Are we pushing off our happiness for too long, waiting for a time that may never come?
I watched a TedTalk in which Gillian Dunn, an emergency room nurse and motivational speaker, spoke about buying a beautiful candle and putting it away in her closet for so long that it melted without her. She spoke about the need to use the things we have, a point which I think resonates with each and every one of us.
Too Special for Today?
We cram our closets with things we don’t like or don’t use or aren’t worth keeping. We simply hold onto it, thinking we may need it someday.
Fine china or that beautiful dress gets locked away somewhere, only to be seen once in a decade. Our subconscious tells us that today is not deserving of nice things. Let’s save it for when we have earned a special occasion.
Our children might want things that belonged to relatives that are no longer with us. I carry a purse that belonged to a dear Auntie that makes me smile whenever I use it. That’s the key: using it. If these items are tucked away in a closet, their history will never be shared. They will simply become something that another person must throw away one day.
We all have too many things. Things that don’t fit our bodies or our lifestyles. So why do we hang on to them? Because we might need them? The truth is, we probably won’t, and would be happier if we just let them go. but if we do have space we fill it.
Clutter
It’s a good exercise to declutter. Remember garage sales?
Making space in our lives for just the things we need feels like freedom (Tweet it!)
Belongings take time and energy to manage. Ask anyone who has ever cleared out a basement. The whole house feels lighter and airier. The physical items we allow into our lives can add stress and anxiety if they do not serve a purpose. Donating to a charity or selling on eBay or Facebook are great ways to let things go and feel good about it.
Although I agree with the philosophy that we should keep only what we can use, I am not recommending the Kondo method. I don’t agree with the idea that everything you own needs to bring you joy or be discarded. I don’t have that kind of relationship with everything I own, but have downsized both by choice and circumstance twice. And it feels good.
Off Limits
I distinctly remember when I was growing up there were some homes I visited that had plastic slip covers on the furniture, and the living room no one lived in. At the home of a friend, there were red, theater-type ropes to keep people, mostly kids, out of this room.
Most of us were living in the suburbs then and had the space for one of these “museum rooms.” A room with belongings behind glass and under protective coverings. To be preserved, not enjoyed.
This struck me as very odd – having a whole room just for when people came to visit. No children (or husbands) were allowed in that room, even with the covers on. I remember someone’s mother yelling, “Don’t you go in there with that drink and get rings on my table!” There were bowls full of brightly colored candy that no one was allowed to eat. “That’s for company,” I recall being told. I was not the right kind of company.
At our house, there really wasn’t a room like that. We did have a living room with a stereo, a big sectional sofa, and a fireplace. But that wasn’t where the television was so the room didn’t hold much interest. Life was lived in the kitchen, at the dining room table, in the family room, and outside. The living room was used at large family gatherings, but it wasn’t forbidden to go in there at other times.
Now is the Time
Our world is in a little bit of a mess at present.
According to the Grammarist though the phrase save it for a rainy day use as a phrase goes back to the middle 1500’s. It most commonly means saving money for a time when you really need it.
It’s original use was in an Italian play written by A. F. Grazzini called La Spiritata. The play was adapted into English by John Lyly and renamed The Bugbears: “Wold he haue me kepe nothing against a raynye day?”
500 years hasn’t changed the need for security and the idea that saving money for a time when it is needed can bring some sense of peace.
It’s raining folks, and hard. Literally and figuratively. When things are uncertain, isn’t that a good time to use the best things you have? What exactly are you saving them for? And instead of pushing our noses into our phones 24/7, let’s enjoy the simple, beautiful things we possess.
Now is not the time to put away Grandma’s china; use it. Think of her hands around the same cup you are using now. It brings a warm feeling to my heart to set my table with my mothers’ fancy china. When she was married in 1959, they had everyday stuff and stuff that was never used.
Why not use the nice things today, instead of waiting?
I think the rainy day is upon us and it’s time to get a little comfort from using the things that bring us joy.
Do you have a storage unit? Or an attic full of things? When was the last time you went through them? There might be treasures in there. Think photo albums, old letters…
Having less stuff to look after and keep track of can also give a sense of peace. Let’s all try to do a little less saving and use the things we have more, with joy.
Less stuff can also apply to the clutter in our minds. If you need someone to speak with who focuses on positive improvement, reach out.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Be kind to yourself.
When you feel out of control, control what you can and let go of the rest
Sometimes, I feel like I’m on a roller coaster and getting off isn’t really an easy option. It seems we all have an E-ticket to the ride and it goes on and on every single day.
But we don’t have to stay on it. It’s a conscious decision to create some distance from the craziness. It is possible and healthy.
If you keep up with the news it’s enough to send even the most stoic among us into hiding. During my coaching sessions, we regularly discuss the dilemma of: How do you keep a positive outlook when you are buried in the news cycle of terrible events?
Let’s face it, most of the news we are bombarded with is horrific and huge and too big for us to do anything about, except worry.
But you worry enough. If you want to help, donate to a charity on the ground making a difference. If you don’t agree with a government’s policy or response, vote! You have a voice, let it be heard. Support a candidate you believe in. Changes happen and more than 100 women in Congress is a good start.
Wringing your hands will just create a cycle of helplessness that won’t help anyone. Especially you.
I remember reading a story once
It was about a British diplomat posted in some faraway place where the newspapers took months to get to him. When someone asked if that fact frustrated him, he replied something like I still know what’s happening just at a little slower pace.
What a remarkable idea? A slower pace. I am not suggesting not keeping up with what’s going on in your part of the world. Just slowing down the pace. How many times do you check your phone for messages, or texts in a day? An hour? If you turned off some of those notifications think how much more time, energy and focus you could devote to what was going on in your immediate surroundings.
With many of us celebrating holidays, how about celebrating by putting away your phone when you are in a group of people and talk face to face. Don’t start the day checking your email, unless you are working. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble here. Stay off Facebook and Twitter for a few days.
Why would I suggest going low tech? It’s blasphemy! It’s to get back control over your time. We are all like Pavlov’s dog and the bell. Our brains are programmed to answer those notifications.
So what do we do? We get a little control over the flow of information overload and bad news.
One of the things I insist my clients do when they are going through a breakup or divorce is to stay off their former partners Facebook page. What we put there is only the good stuff. There is no filter and why would you cause yourself pain if you didn’t have to?
Be grateful and thankful
Be grateful, thankful, and careful this season with your feelings. We can only control how we react to things. If your first reaction is pain, stop doing that. Remember the old joke about the guy going to the doctor and the doctor asks:
“What’s wrong?”
“It hurts when I do this” the guy says shaking his arm.
The doctor responds matter of factly “stop doing that then.”
Okay so maybe it isn’t that funny but you get the idea, right?
Why put yourself into situations that cause you pain? If it’s your family, do something different this year. Just because you are related to someone by blood or marriage doesn’t mean they get to inflict a lifetime of suffering on you. You do have control. Give yourself the gift of doing what you want this year. Of surrounding yourself with people who don’t tease you about something you did 20 years ago. Mean isn’t the atmosphere you want to cultivate in your life.
And I am not suggesting not to be loving and giving, but not if it costs you your well-being and self-esteem. Traditions can be so overrated. And in some cases, it’s how people keep control over other people in the name of a tradition that is neither pleasant or healthy.
It’s worth a shot trying to have a conversation before the event with the adult or adults that do and have behaved badly. If you are clear about your intentions and how you want to be treated, some progress can be made. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to be honest about what works and doesn’t work for you.
People can change but if you don’t ask to be treated differently you won’t be. (Tweet it!)
If after you have had these conversations nothing changes, it has changed for you. If you ask for what you want and don’t get it, then you get to decide how you want to proceed. How you respond is what is in your control.
And if you need a little help, let me know.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: Is there something you would like to get more control over? How will you do it?