5 simple suggestions how to overcome overwhelm and take control of your life

5-simple-suggestions-how-to-overcome-overwhelm-and-take-control-of-your-life-tamara-mendelson

Overwhelmed seems to be the state of being for most of us these days. Most of us live in a modern, fast-paced, overstimulated life.

Overwhelmed by the flood of information on our smartphones, we find it hard to unplug. It’s a strong lure to have the internet open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Overwhelmed by the volume of tasks we must complete every day, both at home and at work. We are in a constant state of carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. Feeling like the Greek mythological titan, Atlas, has become common.

Overwhelmed emotionally by living in toxic relationships, bombarded by negative energy and intention. We don’t take care of ourselves until we are ill.

No small wonder that the dictionary defines overwhelmed as “being buried beneath a large mass or heavy object”. That’s how being overwhelmed feels. A heavy weight that translates into a physiological weight we are all tote around all the time.

How do we overcome the overwhelm?

Here are five simple suggestions which I suggest to my clients in order to recognize their burden, then feel lighter and freer immediately.

1. Organize and prioritize

Some of us go old school on this one, relying on a pen and paper. There is something about the weight of the page and ink that has a focusing effect on some of us. Think about going back to real pages in a diary, on a calendar, or a hardcover datebook in order to keep yourself organized. When I begin to feel like I’m juggling too many things at one time, I get out a legal pad, or my favorite notebook, and make lists.

These lists get prioritized into ‘immediate’ (as right now), ‘eventually’ (to do pretty soon), and then the ‘probably’ (not any time in the near future). When you break down your list, you’ll quickly see what needs your attention. And if something repeatedly shows up in the ‘probably’ column, it might be time to let it go.

2. Put boundaries on overstimulation

Have one place where your electronics sleep at night. And make that not near your head or right next to your bed. If any of you have children, they will watch how you deal with electronics and the internet. If you are on it all the time and hardly ever make eye contact, they will take this as a sign that it’s okay.

A news cycle repeats itself about every twenty minutes. You can see or hear it all day. Spending time immersed in negative news and sensationalism is not going to help you be focused, concentrated, or calm. If you really want to know something right away, pick a source, give yourself a time limit, then turn it off. Siri and Alexa are rabbit holes, sucking you back to your electronics and away from a calm mind.

How about a local online newspaper to get your local news? Unless there’s dangerous weather approaching, where your safety depends on constant updates, turn it off.

Music is good. An intelligent or funny podcast is great.

Spending your days listening to the woes of the world which you have no influence on, is a setup for stress, sadness, and aggravation. (Tweet it!)

3. Say ‘no thank you’ when you mean ‘no’

Limit your time with toxic people or situations. Most of us want to do the right thing. We want to be there for other people, institutions, and organizations that we care about. At the same time, modern life has spread us too thin with a countless amount of those ‘immediate’ obligations.

My friend and mentor, Sam Bennett, has a great solution to this problem. When someone asks you to be part of something and your gut immediately says “no”, listen to your gut. If ‘maybe’ is really ‘maybe’, then ask to get back to them. If maybe means no then thank them for thinking about you and say it doesn’t work in your schedule. No more agonizing at the last minute when you said yes but really don’t want to go. Say no. Save your energy for the things you really want to do.

4. Take care of yourself

Eat well, sleep well, and be your biggest fan.

I have a client who carries around a big heavy stress bucket. She hates disappointing people and constantly feels overwhelmed. We worked out a saying to get her to take time enough not to volunteer for everything and be better to herself. You may call it a mantra, meditation, or a handful of other things but it goes:

“I am a capable, kind, well-educated human being and people love me. I deserve to be happy.”

This is followed by a deep breath. Sometimes she has to say this ten times to get herself to relax but eventually, she does, and it works.

When you feel yourself sliding into a stressful or overwhelming situation, breath. Think of someone you love and draw energy from that memory to help you cope.
Take care of yourself, eat well, sleep well, and be your biggest fan.

5. Stop the cycle from drama to trauma

We all know people who live in this cycle of drama. We also know the ones who like to pull the rest of us into it. Many of us have a friend or acquaintance where everything in their life is a HUGE event. Everything is a big deal. No one understands them, and no one works as hard. No one feels the same tremendous pressure, and no one has the enormous responsibility.

They suffer and are always in the middle of some crisis or catastrophe or other. They constantly ask for help, attention, or an audience. These folks, however well-meaning, are exhausting. Life is challenging enough without making every little detail a drama.

So you have a choice. They can either dial down the drama of their own personal reality show, or you can turn it off. This kind of a person is generally self-centered and isn’t a good listener. They get some kind of satisfaction having you become part of their drama.

Choose calm

We all experience at least one of these stresses simultaneously. Choose calm and limit your exposure. Overwhelm should motivate us to action and then be let go.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What has got you feeling overwhelmed?

If you need some help, send me a WhatsApp message and let’s connect and work together towards a less overwhelmed existence.

 

 

 

 

 

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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5 powerful strategies for embracing change late in life

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. And about being stuck in a decision we made, or one made for us, and how to move on even if we are pushed back.

Being aged out of day to day parenting. Parents getting older and needing more care. Job changes and relocations.

As much as we want things to stay the same, our lives change in huge and imperceptible ways. The only thing we can count on in this world is change. So why are so many of us resistant to it?

The only thing that is constant is change

We are living longer lives and switching jobs more often. Rethinking our education. Divorce is more common than it ever was before. What happens when we get stuck? Fixed in a point and unable to move forward or move on?

How do you know something isn’t working for you? How do you know it’s time to do something else? What clues do you look for when trying to shift out of immobility?

As a counselor and educator, I see this all the time. People do not have an identified goal. Or the goal has been moved or reinvented and is no longer something they care about, feel passionate about, or even like.

Decisions take time

These decisions take time. Sometimes we don’t know something isn’t working until we are deep into it. We all have a little voice that tells us if something isn’t right for us. And we ignore this voice frequently. My gauge has always been: when the inside pressure is stronger than the outside pressure.

People like to have things neatly pigeonholed. Everything and everyone in their place. It’s a way to make sense of the world. My clients discuss this a lot during our coaching sessions.

But is it time for a change?

Change is not about giving up! The path you chose is not necessarily one based on a decision you made as a teenager. As a generation, there was a great deal of pressure on us to succeed. And to succeed in the traditional sense. School, college, career, marriage and children. And if you deviated from this path? Were you no longer successful?

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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I have friends who chose a career path beginning with high school, college, and graduate school. But 30 years later, they’re thinking about retiring from that path and doing something different. I admire their commitment and drive and ability to stay relevant in a world that doesn’t much resemble the one 30 years ago.

This was not my path. I get bored easily. Although I seemed to have all the answers, I only looked like I knew what I was doing. I tried a lot of things. And I got a lot of crap about it.

“You are so good at it, why not stay?”

“Bloom where you are planted.”

I was miserable in a variety of jobs, listening to the advice of people who had never not known what they wanted. So it took me a while to find my way…

I found my path in my 50’s

I am an accomplished dyslexic with a degree in English. And I went back to school in my 40’s and may go back to school in my 50’s. My career has been very diverse. I even worked some temp jobs for a while in my 20’s. This time helped me rule out things I didn’t want to do. I take classes online constantly and have dumped several career paths.

Now at 50, with grown-up kids, I finally figured out what I want to do, even though I have been doing it unofficially all my life: counseling.

Many of my students (I teach English as a second language at a local college) have no idea why they are in school. They have a vague idea about wanting a better life and a higher paying job, but many have no idea why they are studying.

There is also a group of students I teach who are returning to school to get an undergraduate degree after being in the workforce for 5-25 years. This time they know why they are in school and what they want. I think this helps their motivation. Most of these people are married, have kids, and have a career. But they want to further it with a degree.

Maybe you should reconsider

If the thing you are doing or pursuing doesn’t feed your soul, then you are probably doing something that might have to be reconsidered. Not every path is linear. One of the things I do in my practice is help people with change.

I am not telling you to quit your job or commit financial suicide. Paying the bills is a great motivator for staying in a position. If people depend on you to be the provider, then that is something you must take into consideration when deciding. Not the only thing to consider, but an important thing.

Here is a list of 5 things to think about when you need something different in your life.

1. Give yourself permission to check out other options

Either in your field or with something completely different. See what else is out there that might make you a little more positive about moving forward.

2. Give yourself a generous timeline

Say, in six months, I am going to have three options lined up to choose from.

3. Make your new or old passion a hobby

Or do it part time so you can see how it feels. Try it on and see how it fits. If it fits! If it feels like your favorite old sweater or gets your heart and imagination racing, then you have some evidence to base a decision on, right?

4. Reach out to people

People in the industry of job or school you are interested in. Make a call a week. Spend 30 minutes a day searching online. Keep moving until you have reached your destination.

5. Give yourself permission

To quit or suspend your current education until you figure out what you want. Many schools or graduate programs will be okay with you taking a semester off to consider.

Most importantly:

Be patient with yourself and the people in your life. Change is hard, but can be so rewarding (Tweet it!)

And if you need a little guidance through a change, get in touch we’ll set up a call to discuss!

Be kind to yourself!

Now over to you: Have you ever felt like you were stuck? How did you deal with this situation?

 

 

 

 

Why we need to spring clean ourselves after a hard winter

spring-cleaning-yourself

I was thinking about spring this morning. The sky was a cloudless deep blue. Despite a morning chill, brave flowers and hearty trees were blooming and while I stood directly in the sun, I felt warm. For a minute. Then I hurried back across the campus where I teach to grab a hot cup of coffee and a bite of reality.

I was also thinking about women. International Women’s Day & Women’s History Month. Statistically more than half the population, it probably should be half the year.

Then, I was thinking about women all around the world who don’t have the same rights that I enjoy. Feeling a little afraid about the future of healthcare and reproductive rights, I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that the large majority of the people who make these decisions don’t have uteruses. And how that needs to change.

Earlier this week, I went to the hospital for a test I’ve been putting off for five years. Won’t go into the details, but it was an icky gross experience with a good clean ending. Fear should not keep us from taking care of ourselves. It’s an amazing feeling to check something off my list that doesn’t have to be done again for five years. My clients regularly speak to me about their medical fears. This time, it was me who took their advice to stay calm and positive. I can’t report that I was calm. Positive? Yes.

Spring cleaning yourself too

Preventative care. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s why we try to eat right, exercise, and quit smoking. We need to start putting “us” on the calendar. There are so many things we put off for no reason other than: who really wants to visit a doctor or dentist if they don’t have to? Spring cleaning, after a long dark miserable winter, should be about learning to focus on yourself more often. Not just when crocuses or daffodils appear.

People are not self-cleaning ovens. (Tweet it!)

We can’t just put our temperature on maximum heat and expect all the baked-on crud of a lifetime of bad habits to burn away. And as we age, sometimes self-care moves itself even further down our to-do lists. But early detection saves lives.

As we get older, there are things that need to be monitored more closely. Mammograms should be done every year or two depending on your family history beginning at 40. Teeth cleaning should be done twice a year, especially to help identify and prevent gum disease and tooth decay. Blood tests should be once a year. It’s good to have a baseline as high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes are generally cumulative problems that should not be left unchecked.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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After a divorce, illness or death of a loved one, loss of a job, empty nest syndrome, or a host of other fun life-cycle events, all cause extra stress and do play a role in your health as well. This is NOT the time to take less care of yourself. If your children are young, make an appointment for yourself when you make their annual appointments. It’s a good example for children to know that once a year, you see the doctor too. Maybe next time they need a check-up it won’t be a struggle to get them to go. It’s okay to worry and care for yourself the same way you worry and care for your loved ones.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How will you commit to taking better care of yourself this spring? I’d love to hear!

Spring cleaning after divorce

I was thinking about spring this morning. The sky was a deep blue, cloudless. It was still cold, but some brave flowers were blooming and when I stood directly in the sun, I felt warm. For a minute. Then I hurried across the campus where I teach to grab a hot cup of coffee.

I was also thinking about women. The women around the world who don’t have the same rights that I have enjoyed. I was feeling a little afraid about the future of healthcare and reproductive rights. I made the decision to run in a charity event for breast cancer support at the end of the month and I wrote a check to Planned Parenthood.

Earlier this week, I went to the hospital for a test I’ve been putting off for five years. Won’t go into the details, but it was a horrible experience with a good clean ending. Fear should not keep us from taking care of ourselves. And it so great to check something off my list that doesn’t have to be done again for five years. My clients regularly speak to me about their medical fears. This time, it was me who took their advice to stay calm and positive.

Spring cleaning yourself after divorce

Preventative care. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s why we try to eat right and exercise and quit smoking. We need to start putting “us” on the calendar. There are so many things we put off for no reason other than: who really wants to visit a doctor or dentist if they don’t have to? Spring cleaning after divorce is about learning to focus on yourself more often.

People are not self-cleaning ovens.(Tweet it!)

We can’t just put our temperature on maximum and expect all the baked-on crud of a lifetime of bad habits to burn away. And after divorce, sometimes these things fall down even further on our to-do lists. But early detection saves lives.

As we get older, there are things that need to be monitored more closely. Mammograms should be done every year or two depending on your family history beginning at 40. Teeth cleaning should be done twice a year especially to help identify and prevent gum disease and tooth decay. Blood tests should be once a year. It’s good to have a baseline as high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes are generally cumulative problems that should not be left unchecked.

After a divorce, extra stress may play a role in your health as well. This is NOT the time to take less care of yourself. If your children are young, make an appointment for yourself when you make their annual appointments. It’s a good example for your children to know that once a year, you see the doctor too. Maybe next time they need a check-up it won’t be a struggle to get them to go. And maybe you’ll start to worry and care for yourself the way you worry and care for your loved ones.

My daughter just reminded me that her dentist appointment is Thursday. I guess I better call and make an appointment too!

Now over to you: How will you commit to taking better care of yourself this spring? I’d love to hear!

Self care is not selfish

Who decided that taking care of yourself is selfish?

As women, we are often expected to be everything to everyone and if we take time out for ourselves, it’s selfish. Or worse still, a luxury that can be given up when time or resources are scarce. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I remember a story my mother once told me that I didn’t understand. Looking back, I realize it was about self-care.

There once was a woman with many children. She came through the door one evening after a long exhausting day and all of her children were whining and complaining about being hungry and wanting dinner. She went into the kitchen and closed the door. Pots and pans were banging. Drawers were opening and closing. Chopping and stirring. Gas burners hissing. The oven door opened and closed. The children heard a chair being pulled across the floor. Then all was quiet except for the sound of silverware against a plate. Once she had eaten, the mother cleared her plate. Only then did she move on to the task of feeding her brood. Many of my clients appreciate the story and STILL feel that they can’t do it themselves.

I remember thinking how selfish that woman was, putting her own needs before her children. I asked my mother about the story and she said, “If the mother doesn’t take care of herself, how can she care for her children?” Twenty years, two children, two businesses, one masters degree and one divorce later, I finally understand this story and its simple message:

Caretakers need to take care of themselves! (Tweet it!)

How to commit to self care this holiday season

Welcome to our first annual Self Care November. Before the stress and demands of the holidays are upon you, it’s time to start taking better care of yourself.

Let’s start by saying no to things that we don’t enjoy or want to do. Don’t volunteer just because you’ve been doing it for years and feel obligated. My friend and Mentor Sam Bennet does a gut check when people ask her to do things. If it feels good and there is some excitement, then it’s a resounding yes. If she is waffling at all, then it’s a no. To her, wavering at all means no. Stop torturing yourself with the following list:

  • “Maybe”
  • “I need to because … ”
  • “I should”
  • “They’re expecting”
  • “I have to”

If any of these answers come to mind when you’re asked to do something, take a breath and say no this year. That includes church groups, synagogue boards, school events, or work parties. Holidays are stressful enough. Cut down on your commitments so that you can really enjoy your family and friends this season. Who wants to be a frazzled mess on January 2nd? That’s no way to start the new year. Just thank the person for thinking of you, and politely tell them that you’re all booked up.
For the newly divorced, holidays can be a minefield. In the weeks to come, I will be sharing tips on how to get through the holiday season with your joy intact.

Divorce is a great time to begin new traditions. Just because you’ve always done things a certain way doesn’t mean that things can’t change. Start thinking about changes you want to make and the traditions you want to start.

And don’t forget to listen to your gut. It’s the first step toward implementing true self-care not only during the holidays, but moving forward in your new, post-divorce life.

Now over to you: How are you committing to making things easier on yourself this holiday season?