5 ways to celebrate (and enjoy!) the holidays

Every day can be difficult around and leading up to the Holidays. Every year the Holiday messages start appearing earlier and earlier. And you can bet that every message through every medium no matter what you watch or listen to or tune into online is showing you happy, whole, multigenerational people celebrating the very well decked out and prosperous holidays. So what do you do if you are already dreading the next few months? What if you bought your Halloween candy even though your kids are too old to trick or treat and want to eat all the bags yourself because the holidays are looming and you know it’s going to suck? I’ve developed five basic rules over the years that can make the transition into the holidays easier and happier for all concerned.

Here are my 5 rules to celebrate (and enjoy!) the holidays!

1. Invent new traditions


Just because something has been done before for a year or many years this isn’t a good enough reason to keep doing it if you don’t enjoy it. If it is something to be endured not enjoyed. That is a perfect recipe for being depressed and anxious during the Holidays.

There is nothing sadder than trying to keep traditions alive without all the people that used to participate in them. (Tweet it!)

This is especially true if you have lost a loved one in the last year. Or your children are grown up and not really interested in family dinners. Or the travel is just too expensive this year. It’s a lot of pressure, and if you aren’t happy and enthusiastic your children will feel the tension and the only thing you will be celebrating is when the meal is over and you can return to your own corners, smartphones, Netflix, or whatever. Ask your kids what they would like to do this season. Get them involved. Their ideas may surprise you. Harry Potter marathon anyone? Experiment with a holiday dish you’ve been wanting to try but never made because your third cousin is vegan or has celiac disease. Wear your pajamas all day long. Just be okay with whatever you decide. If being with your family is too much for you, skip it this year. You and your children can make other plans. There is nothing more uncomfortable than having people discuss your divorce and your social life over a family dinner or at a holiday party. Or discuss politics that make you cringe.

2. Decorate and make your environment festive

It doesn’t matter what holiday you celebrate getting your home to look more festive is an easy way to create an atmosphere of positivity. If you have never decorated before, this is a perfect time to start. If you have boxes of old ornaments, choose only the ones that bring you joy. Think about what you can do to liven up your space. If money is tight, streamers and paper chains are a good family activity and participation is a good way to get everyone into the spirit. It’s not about the stuff. It’s about being together. Most kids used to love hanging streamers and with colored paper and with a little tape or glue or staples and some paper you can make homemade streamers. If you are not a DIY person, a couple of candles and a happy upbeat saying on a piece of wood is festive. Soap in shapes you like. Some cinnamon and spice in a dish or a pine cone to display. A few hand towels with snowmen on them. A snow globe from a trip or your own hometown. Use the good dishes. A mug with a saying you like filled with candy on the table. Or buy a poinsettia. It is an amazingly hardy plant with bright red and green leaves. They are available everywhere and will last for months with very little care. I never understood why people don’t use the good dishes more often. Unless they are irreplaceable or very fragile why not bring them out? If they belonged to your mother or grandmother or you bought them at Target it doesn’t really matter. If you like looking at them or they bring a smile to your face, bring them out.

3. Don’t be alone unless you really want to be alone

Some people don’t like the holidays. That’s fair. If you want to and are able to skip the whole season do it. I have a friend who goes away for the whole month and invites people to come to visit but doesn’t deal with the holidays anymore. She is much happier and so then her family is happier and there are no expectations. If the kids are celebrating with your ex on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or First Night of Hanukkah, join someone else’s family celebration. Don’t sulk at home! Unless your dream for a perfect holiday includes binge-watching your favorite movies in cozy pajamas with hot chocolate stirred with a candy cane. Okay, maybe that’s just me. Take your partner and skip town. Not all places are booked during the winter. Especially somewhere cold. If that appeals to you look into it. House swapping is a more affordable way to disappear. Ask for help if you are feeling desperate before the Holidays begin. There is no reason to be in pain if someone can help you.

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4. Be proactive, be proactive, be proactive

The holidays should not come as a surprise. They are mostly on the same days every year. So start early on your preparations so you won’t be caught off guard or get extra stressed. The day after Halloween, Christmas decorations go up and people start talking about Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Hanukkah, or whatever they plan to celebrate. It’s just a day. 24 hours. If you have kids, don’t fight about who gets whom when and where. It just adds to the stress of an already stressful time of year. If you aren’t a fan of the holidays, try to think of the ways you can include things that you want to do. Do the work before the day. Don’t wait until the morning of to suffer. Talk to a counselor, clergy, friends, and family and make sure they all know how you are. Make plans and try not to wallow. It’s a difficult time of year for lots of people and you will only be alone if you want to be. If people don’t know your situation, they can’t help.

5. Get into the spirit of giving

Keep in mind the things you are grateful for. I suggest to my clients to start a bullet journal. Not a big production, there is even an app for notes on your phone. Just jot down things as they come to you so you can read them over when you’re feeling blue. I always wondered why blue is the color of sadness. Maybe because it’s the color of a bruise? They can be small things, like not having your uncle Harry’s nose. Your sense of humor. Or larger, more soulful things, like the fact that your friends and family are healthy and safe. Being grateful and counting your blessings is a documented way to start feeling more positive. There are so many people in need right now between floods, shootings, and fires. It’s a great time to donate things that you no longer want or need. Being generous doesn’t mean writing a check necessarily. It can also mean donating your time as well as unwanted or unneeded items. There are churches, synagogues, community centers, and all sorts of charities that run programs all year but especially during the holidays. Sometimes helping others less fortunate brings the spirit of the holidays home in a way spending money or buying presents can’t. Peace on Earth. Send light into the universe. Joy begets joy. Be kind to yourself. Now over to you: What will you do to make your holiday season a little brighter this year?

New Year’s was never my favorite holiday

New Year’s was never my favorite holiday | Tamara Mendelson

New Year’s Eve has never been my favorite holiday. So much expectation for night to change to day. Not sure what the big fuss is about. Unless we are changing centuries then that’s more of a big deal. Although, I seem to remember there was tremendous hype about Y2K and our technology not being able to handle the change to 2000, and the warning of the world ending. That thankfully fizzled down to nothing much. And the new century came in pretty quietly.

I remember when I was younger and it seemed very important to be somewhere at the stroke of midnight. To have someone to kiss when the clock struck midnight. Not someone special, just someone, anyone. The thought struck me as backwards.

Why would you want to begin a bright shiny new year tainted by playing tonsil hockey with someone you didn’t care about? Yuck.(Tweet it!)

And as for resolutions, I am not going to make any. I resolved a long time ago to be the best person I can all the time. Not just in the month of January. To be true to myself. My ex-husband and I got divorced because we didn’t bring out the best in one another. We had different plans for our lives. I could never be the person he wanted me to be or thought I was. So now we try to be the best parents we can together. We try to be friends who actually care about one another despite the pressures to the contrary.

My journey continues

To be of help and service to the people I love. In making my living, I want to contribute in a positive way to the world around me, whether through my coaching services, teaching, or sharing my thoughts communicating through this blog in an honest way. I want to make amends when I have hurt or wronged someone and to leave the world a better place for having been here. I try not to be cynical even in a world gone mad.

The ten pounds I lose or not isn’t going to make much difference globally. The time and money I contribute to charity might in some small way. The example I set for my children is a challenge but a reminder that we are all human. And most of the time, people are doing the best they can with the information they have and the resources that are available to them at the time.

 

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Last year, I was with a dear friend dancing in her new home when the new year arrived. We blasted the music we like and drank good red wine. Champagne is delicious and can cause headaches. Our children had their own plans. Our dancing and singing and general merriment embarrasses them. We drank to the New Year and the power of friendship. We raised a glass to the people we have lost, and to the bitter-sweetness of the future. The men in our lives are invited, but they don’t dance. And that’s okay. We kissed them later.

And what will the new year bring?

I am going to chose cautious optimism at the resiliency of human beings. And that more people move toward light than darkness. What are you going to choose?

Be kind to yourself.

Reach out and reconnect with someone

reach-out-reconnect-with-someone

In my classroom last week we had a discussion about the good and bad sides of texting. One of my students wrote a paragraph about the differences between how we used to communicate and how we communicate now. Her essay was funny and ironic. She wrote simply and clearly about how she communicated when she was a kid. If she wanted to hang out with a friend, she walked out her front door and walked down the street and to a neighbors house and asked if her friend could come out and play. I laughed. It was so simple. So timeless. And in today’s world so unusual.

Although this student is a 20 something, it reminded me of my own childhood. When I would walk the two blocks to my friends house, back when the home phone was the center of all outside communication. I distinctly remember a series of AT&T commercials with the tagline Reach Out and Touch Someone. They were especially prevalent during the holiday season. Some of my clients struggle to find a way to connect with someone they have been out of touch with. They forget how soothing and reassuring the human voice can be.

Back in the days

Long before cell phones and text messages when people actually used the home phone to talk to people. The advertising spots were like little movies of life with the express purpose of getting people to pick up the phone and call someone far away. Long distance was expensive then and my guess is they were very successful. Ma Bell (as it was called then) was the largest phone company in America and didn’t break up until legally mandated to in 1982.

My point here is not to give you a history lesson about the monopoly of the American phone company. It is to share the message that this is the perfect time to reach out to someone you haven’t been in touch with for a long time.

Through social media and texts and Whatsapp and Snapchat it’s never been easier to reach people. And yet, this time of year, the holiday season often leaves people feeling alone and lonely.

Relationships are everything, and no matter how much time has gone by an old friend will always be happy to hear from you. (Tweet it!)

I reconnected with someone

In the last couple of years, I have reconnected with a few people that I thought were lost from my life forever. All it took was an email and a shout out from LinkedIn. One of these folks became a client and the other an email penpal sharing pictures and memories from thirty years ago. I didn’t initiate either of these contacts so I was lucky. But I did accept them in the spirit they were offered.

One of my roles as an Educator and Emotional Wellness Coach is to help people move forward when they get stuck. In that spirit I studied and received a Certificate in Positive Psychology from University of Pennsylvania this past summer. I didn’t make up the title it was suggested as part of a lecture about the future of psychology.

As a practice, I don’t go back into people’s childhoods and break open every trauma and then help deal with each trauma. We deal with the here and now and through common sense and goal setting we try to bring people through to the other side of their personal struggle.

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Are we isolating ourselves?

One of the things I see again and again in my practice is people isolating themselves from other people. And in this holiday season of light and love I want to suggest you reach out to someone who was important to you that you may have lost along the way. A grade school friend, a college roommate, an old neighbor. People who knew you at a different time in your life would probably be thrilled to be contacted.

For all our technology and immediate gratification we have somehow lost the ability to just reach out. Our circles have become smaller. The people around us don’t get a second glance as we are so busy with our screens and sharing. YouTube videos and screenshots and emoji’s and other nonsense, I believe, are allowing us to lose the ability to have real face to face interpersonal communication. Oh, and this may come as a shock to some of you, but emjoi’s are not emotions. They are a clever way to get you to spend more time on the phone and less time actually communicating.

So here is my challenge to you for this holiday season

Reach out and touch someone (not in a creepy #metoo kind of way) but actually reach out to someone you miss or have lost contact with or would like to be back in communication with. If geography is an issue then try Zoom or Skype or Facetime.

I often hear the refrain from people who are stuck or sad and are going through a bad time that they don’t have any friends. I don’t believe that. Make communication real again by having real communication. If you want good friends, be a good friend. Those goes for family members as well. I don’t mean you need to talk to all of your family all the time. How about a favorite cousin? Don’t rely on family get togethers to stay in contact. Drop an email, FB Messenger, text, Whatsapp or make an old fashioned reach-out-and-touch-someone phone call.

There are approximately 7.7 billion people on this planet. It doesn’t seem like such a stretch to find one or two of these people to be in touch with. It might be a bit frightening at first but think about how great it would be to reconnect with someone you care about?

Reach out and touch someone. Let me know how it works out.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Who will you be reaching out to?

5 ways to celebrate (and enjoy!) the holidays after divorce

Every day can be difficult after a breakup or divorce. Celebrating the holidays after divorce can be a miserable time fraught with emotion and disappointment. There’s no getting around the fact that your first Christmas/ Hanukkah post-divorce is going to feel all wrong – holidays are all about family and tradition.

There are five rules I’ve developed over the years that can make the transition into the holidays easier and happier for all concerned.

Here are my 5 rules to celebrate (and enjoy!) the holidays after divorce!

Invent new traditions

There is nothing sadder than trying to keep traditions alive without all the people that used to participate in them. This is especially true if you and your ex are not on good enough terms to be in the same room. The children will feel the tension and the only thing you will be celebrating is when the meal is over and you can return to your own corners.

Decorate sugar cookies with your kids before they head off to your ex’s celebration. Ask your kids what they would like to do. Their ideas may surprise you. Harry Potter marathon anyone? Experiment with a holiday dish you’ve been wanting to try but never made because your ex turned up their nose. Wear your pajamas all day long. Just be okay with whatever you decide.

If being with your family is too much for you, skip it this year. You and your children can make other plans. There is nothing more uncomfortable than having people discuss your divorce and your social life over a family dinner or at a holiday party.

Decorate

If you have never decorated before, this is a perfect time to start. If you have boxes of old ornaments, choose only the ones that bring you joy. Think about what you can do to liven up your space. If money is tight, streamers and paper chains are a good family activity and participation is a good way to get everyone into the spirit. It’s not about the stuff. It’s about being together.

For example, a poinsettia is an amazingly hardy plant with bright red and green leaves. They are available everywhere and will last for months with very little care. Most kids love to hang streamers and with colored paper and a little tape or glue you can make homemade streamers.

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If you are not a DIY person, a couple candles and a happy upbeat saying on a piece of wood is festive. Soap in shapes you like. A few hand towels with snowmen on them. A snow globe from a trip or your own hometown. Use the good dishes. A mug with a saying you like filled with candy on the table.

Don’t be alone

If the kids are celebrating with your ex on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or First Night of Hanukkah, join someone else’s family celebration. Don’t sulk at home! Unless your dream for a perfect holiday includes binge watching your favorite movies in cozy pajamas with hot chocolate stirred with a candy cane. Okay, maybe that’s just me.

Be proactive, be proactive, be proactive

The holidays should not come as a surprise. They are mostly on the same days every year.
The day after Halloween, Christmas decorations go up and people start talking about Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Hanukkah, or whatever they plan to celebrate.

It’s just a day. 24 hours. If you have kids, don’t fight about who gets whom when and where. It just adds to the stress of an already stressful time of year. If you aren’t a fan of the holidays, try to think of the ways you can include things that you want to do.

Do the work before the day. Don’t wait until the morning of to suffer. Talk to a counselor, clergy, friends, and family and make sure they all know how you are. Make plans and try not to wallow. It’s a difficult time of year for lots of people and you will only be alone if you want to be. If people don’t know your situation, they can’t help.

Get into the spirit of giving

Keep in mind the things you are grateful for. They can be small things, like not having your uncle Harry’s nose. Your sense of humor. Or larger, more soulful things, like the fact that your friends and family are healthy and safe.

Being grateful and counting your blessings is a documented way to start feeling more positive.

There are so many people in need right now between floods, shootings, and fires. It’s a great time to donate things that you no longer want or need. Being generous doesn’t mean writing a check necessarily. It can also mean donating your time as well as unwanted or unneeded items.

There are churches, synagogues, community centers, and all sorts of charities that run programs all year but especially during the holidays. Sometimes helping others less fortunate brings the spirit of the holidays home in a way spending money or buying presents can’t.

Throw your own party

Sometimes too much family time isn’t a good thing for everyone and an excuse to have some fun might be just the tonic other people need.

How about a desert and eggnog competition? A chili cook-off? This could be a great way for people to gather together and blow off some built-up steam. It can be a random day and not on the actual holiday so as not to compete with other events and guarantee a larger turnout.

Or maybe try an ugly sweater party or a light brunch before all the other festivities happen. It’s your time to take the holidays back and do what you want with the people you care about.

It’s not about the day. It’s about the spirit of the season. (Tweet it!)

Peace on Earth. Send light into the universe. Joy begets joy.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What will you do to make your post-divorce holiday season a little brighter this year?

How to navigate your first post-divorce Thanksgiving

Holidays are stressful at the best of times. But when you’re newly-divorced? Being single during the holidays for the first time in years adds a whole new element of pressure. How do we let some of the pressure go? We open the lid!

Here are my top 5 strategies for promoting self-care during your first post-divorce Thanksgiving.

Lower your expectations

Part of the disappointment surrounding the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations that this year will be better or different than years before. But really, it’s about being grateful. And it just a day. It’s a meal where everyone eats too much and relaxes far too little.

Be open to new traditions

Getting your groove back after a divorce is all about new traditions and doing the right thing for you and your children. Thanksgiving is one day a year and the weekend can be shared. If Thanksgiving has never been important to you, don’t make it important now. If it is important, then try to share or trade off. No one solution works for every family. If you and your ex are on good terms, you might have the dinner together. At least the first year. It will give your children continuity even if you and your ex are uncomfortable. And I think all parents will agree: their children’s comfort is always more important than their own.

When I was younger, I spent a long weekend with a dear friend whose parents were divorced. The first meal was with her father and his new wife at noon. Everything was puréed and no sugar added. I was starving and ate my fill of the less-than stellar spread. But my friend neglected to warn me to save room for her Mom’s gourmet Thanksgiving dinner later in the day!

That’s one way to do it. Negotiation is key. And no matter how angry or hurt you are, remember that you loved this person once. You had children with them. Try to offer them the kindness and common courtesy of a total stranger.

For the first few years after our divorce, my ex and I had holidays with our children. Not his family and not my family. We actually celebrated just the 4 of us. It wasn’t always pleasant or comfortable but it was what we thought was best for our children. The divorce wasn’t their doing and we wanted to make that clear from the beginning and reinforce that notion whenever possible by sucking it up and making the holidays as special as they always were.

Give yourself a break

Thanksgiving is usually a family holiday. But maybe your family totally stresses you out. Maybe they looooved your ex and they make you feel guilty for the split. Just because you’re related to these people doesn’t mean you have to spend Thanksgiving with them. Your family loves you but that doesn’t give them an open forum to expound on your perceived mistakes. It is your choice to be somewhere else.

And if the turkey has been served at your house every year for the past twenty years, take a year off. Let someone else plan, cook, and serve the dinner. And if you do attend, make sure people know that your personal life is not on the menu.

Make alternative plans

Is the beginning of the holiday season as a divorcee bringing up too many emotions? Why not volunteer at a soup kitchen instead? Many charities, churches, synagogues, and other houses of worship have a great need for help during the holidays. Retirement facilities would greatly appreciate someone willing to be there during the long Thanksgiving weekend as well. Sometimes focusing your energy outwards is the key to ending the wallowing.

If volunteering is too big a leap for you, how about attending someone else’s holiday meal? Community Thanksgiving meals are common. Find out what’s going on in your town!

Attend a friend’s holiday meal

Most hosts would love to have another pair of adult hands assist them. And other peoples’ family dysfunction isn’t nearly as awkward, painful, or stressful as the one you were born into. It might even be way more entertaining. The food might be better too.

When people begin talking holiday plans at work, let them know you need a place to be.

Let your friends know with a phone call, Facebook, or email that you are looking for a place to hang your hat on Thanksgiving. Dealing with divorced friends can be awkward for people … they often don’t know if inviting you alone will bring up emotions. They don’t want to rock the boat. So make your intentions clear. Make this Thanksgiving what you want it to be.

And never stop reminding yourself: Thanksgiving is one day. (Tweet it!)

24 hours. A Thursday in November. You are not in fourth grade and this isn’t a classmates’ birthday party. Figure out where you want to be. And if staying home in your sweatpants with a turkey sandwich while binge watching Ray Donovan is where you want to be … more power to you!