Rage rises off you
in shimmering waves
disturbing the air,
with movement and vibration,
nothing really moves.
It dissipates,
spreading out and clinging to
everything.
And circles like a cyclone
black and thick,
wiping out the sun.
And when you are sure
everyone is swept up
you step away.
Tamara Mendelson
The phrase “practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty” was written by Anne Herbert on a placemat in Sausalito, California in 1982. It was based on and, in some way, to counteract or contrast the phrase “random acts of violence and senseless acts of cruelty”.
This phrase has always resonated with me and I believe it to be a basic tenet of Tikkun Olam. Translated into English this means “to repair the world”.
Could it be that the world we live in is less kind world than the one we grew up in? Or are we just more aware of the unkindness and incivility as it is splashed over every image electronic or otherwise that we see and hear? When yelling seems to be a perfectly acceptable way of making your point.
At the time Herbert wrote on that napkin these profound words I was the age my daughter is now and I believe the world was a kinder place. Or at least more civilized.
I am not talking about healthy debate. I am talking about a way to interact with other people that begins in hostility and anger. An anger that is almost instantaneous. Quite unprovoked and completely over the top. There is no counting to ten in this scenario. Someone disagrees with you and you scream. It makes no sense to me.
Kindness isn’t weakness. Decency should be our lowest common denominator of human interaction, not the highest. It’s not a free speech issue either. It’s free to say whatever hurtful crap you feel like saying because there are no repercussions.
Common courtesy is how we live together in a peaceful society.
Or apologize by still blaming us for making them act the way they do.
It reminds me of a car advertisement about an engine that can go from zero to 60 in under 5 seconds. So too, is seeming calm to rage in under 60 seconds.
I have a theory that people who yell and scream and feel justified to vent any time they want somehow feel better after the incident or outburst. Like letting steam out of a boiling kettle or taking your foot off the gas pedal. Unfortunately, the one who was yelled at or had anger screamed all over them has no such relief.
And further, I believe this hostile behavior of completely out of proportion outbursts is a learned behavior. Temper tantrums are for little children who cannot or are unable to express their feelings in any other way. A grown ass adult shouldn’t be allowed to behave that way. No matter who they are.
The more people get away with it, say over a lifetime, the more acceptable to them it becomes. “He sure does have a temper” or “that’s just how she talks” or “he’s under a lot of pressure” aren’t explanations. It’s acceptance and enabling this sort of behavior to continue and go unchecked. To be laughed off and unconfronted.
Human interaction doesn’t have to be confrontational. There is an us and them going on in the world today that evokes hostility. In many cases I believe anger covers up fear and fear is scary. So why not just yell until you feel better? Because it takes a terrible toll on the people around you.
I see this in my practice with people in relationships both long and short term, where one partner can’t control themselves and is unable to filter or doesn’t want to get a handle on their outbursts.
Unfortunately, we have all sorts of ways to overreact now. Not just fact to face but on the phone, text, email, Facebook, FaceTime. And the other person in the relationship tries to be reasonable and in many cases apologizes for nothing in particular just to get back to some sort of calm.
It’s the containment that we, as a society, have lost the ability to do. You feel anger? Take a breath. Are you mad at someone or something? Don’t lash out. Try instead to figure out the trigger and work on that. I have a friend that used to make the sound of a truck backing up when she thought someone was going to dump on her. It was very effective at getting people’s attention and changing the atmosphere.
Don’t let anyone be unkind or uncivil to you. If someone says something, and you are not afraid for your life, call them on their crap. Walking on eggshells until the next outburst isn’t the way to live your best life. And just because it has always been that way it doesn’t mean it always has to be that way in the future. You deserve kindness and respect.
The next time you feel yourself get angry, stop and think about the source and proportion of that anger. You are not a three-year-old. Get a grip.
When we are in a relationship of any type it seems a basic premise that their feelings or comfort should be important to us. And as I get older I find the people whom I spend most of my time with have many lovely qualities, but above all I would say kindness is the most important one.
Examine the interactions in your life. If you feel angry and bitter work on that and not taking it out on the people around you. Model kindness.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: How do you control your anger?
Sadness falls
like a dark curtain blocking out the light
The ache spreads like a brush fire
consuming, ravaging everything in it’s path
Unstoppable
until the winds changes
or there is nothing left to burn
and it smolders white hot ash
and then dies
for lack of fuel
leaving behind blackened earth
and a hole where once was life
now deadened air.
Tamara Mendelson
“To throw (someone) under the bus” is an idiomatic phrase in American English meaning to betray a friend or ally for selfish reasons. It is typically used to describe a self-defensive disavowal and severance of a previously-friendly relationship when the relation becomes controversial or unpopular.
And I would add here someone is under tremendous pressure and want to let it out in some less than productive way.
Yesterday I got thrown under the bus at work. I was surprised and disappointed as it was someone I know well and respect their professionalism. Well… Until yesterday.
College campuses are not easy places to work. There are many different tiers of tenure and people who lecture/teach hourly can get pushed around a lot. Some semesters there is more work as enrollment increases. Some semesters, for reasons no one can explain, fewer students apply.
Most of us teach because we really love the students and the teaching. Not for getting rich or chasing the tenure track. You would think that this would create some kind of community when in fact the opposite is sometimes true.
Getting an email from the head of the department late in the evening is usually not a cause for concern. It’s when we catch up. We are all on campus most days and it’s a way to get organized for the next day or bring up things as they happen. Last night I was forwarded an email that called my integrity and judgement into question.
I had seen this colleague earlier in the day and although she seemed overwhelmed and stressed I didn’t think it was directed towards me personally. We all handle our own secretarial work and she let me do something quickly before class started. I was appreciative.
My second reaction was anger but it was short-lived as I tried to figure out why this person felt the need to “tell” on me and throw me under the bus like that. Then I figured it was less to do with me and more to do with her situation. Maybe she took on too much. It’s getting near the end of the term and tempers flare. What surprised me the most was that I had hosted this person in my home and tried to be supportive of her when she needed to vent in the past. Or help with other administrative tasks.
I did call another teacher I respect and asked her what she thought of the situation.
We agreed that it was an odd choice not to speak to me directly and we had all agreed earlier in the term about the problem in question.
I calmly wrote a succinct email back to my supervisor and she asked if I wanted her to send my email to the other teacher in question. I said I didn’t think it would help as maybe she just needed to be heard.
Throwing someone under the bus is an act of anger, frustration, or insecurity. It’s not a behaviour of someone who is calm and self confident. It’s a reactionary thing to deflect blame or feel like you are doing something proactive. It could have all been avoided if she had just talked to me.
So what do you do if you have been thrown you under the bus?
Then dust yourself off and try to figure out what the issue is really about. If you did make a mistake own up to it.
Or write. Explain how you see the situation without blaming the other person.
Try to offer a solution going forward that might take the drama and angst out of the situation.
And try to avoid confirmation in the future. Some people need that confrontation to feel in the right and in control even if neither is true.
Some people are not team players and don’t understand how to communicate in a positive productive way. It’s all about how hard they work, how no one appreciates them, and they have no understanding of how their behavior affects other people. Minimize contact and move on.
It isn’t your job to fix someone. Sometimes people can’t hear what you are saying because they are so wrapped up in their own drama and way of looking at the world.
It can happen in any work environment. And usually if someone throws people under the bus as a habit it won’t surprise anyone when it happens again. Don’t be a doormat but don’t buy into the drama either.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: When was the last time you got thrown under the bus? How did you cope?
Are you one of those people who thinks four hours of sleep is enough? For the clear majority of us that isn’t enough.
There are all sorts of scientific studies that cite the fact that less than five hours of sleep a night is not good for you, your overall health, or longevity. If part of your life plan is to get healthy and stay healthy, sleep must be part of that lifestyle routine.
And for many reasons we aren’t sleeping very well or for long enough. So, what do we do? First find out if ‘not sleeping’ is a physical thing. Sleep apnea and other such breathing issues are very serious health conditions and should be treated by physicians and experts in the field.
After ruling out something physical out start thinking about a bedtime routine. To get yourself ready to sleep. Just as we enforce a bedtime routine for the children in our lives, so too should we make our own bedtime routine part of our lives.
One of my favourite moments as a parent was bedtime. Not because my children went to sleep like little angels. Or because I had some quiet time before I dropped exhausted into my own bed. Twilight time was special.
It began with bath time. When the dirty, grimy, sweaty little bodies were clean, and their hair was wet and slicked back and sweet. Dressed in their adorable little kid pyjamas. The lights were dimmed, and books were read. I would sing to them. It didn’t matter what song it was part of the ritual of bedtime.
As adults we don’t get tucked into bed much. We may get into bed, watch tv, use our laptops, notebooks or smart phones right there in bed with us. It’s no wonder most of us can’t sleep. Or sleep fitfully.
We have the order of things all wrong at the end of the day. We rev up in the evening not down. Trying to get one more thing done. Play one more game of words with friends. Scroll though a couple more Facebook pages. All activities that alert our bodies that it is not time to rest.
There is documented proof that the blue light emitted from phones and televisions and tablets all can keep us awake. So why do we invite them into our bedrooms? I think for many of us we have forgotten the function of the room with the bed in it. Sleeping, resting, or having sex.
That means everything. Remember alarm clocks? They work great for waking you up and telling the time, and they don’t mess with your circadian rhythms that tell you when it’s time to sleep.
Have a bedtime that is as close to the same time every night as you can. Yes, we all have work commitments and social occasions. Deadlines and family time. Bedtime every night at the same time is a suggestion. Make your bed a haven. Keep it clear of clothes. Neaten up the room. If you don’t have energy to do this put everything in a clothes basket and put it outside the door to be dealt with another time.
A shower with a soothing scented soap. Some suggestions although the sense of smell is so subjective for each of us. You might try, Lavender, Chamomile, Bergamot, Jasmine, Rose and Sandalwood. Sip tea with the same calming vibe in mind.
(Not on your tablet or smartphone). And this needs to have nothing to do with your work. Listen to some music (not from your phone) or a podcast, comedy show, white noise set the mood. Keep lights low and let yourself unwind. If you share a bed or bedroom, try to get your partner to do this with you.
Keep a pad and pen (not your smartphone), and if you are stuck on a thought or making lists in your head of things you didn’t accomplish, write it down. Write a to do list or jot down what’s bothering you. Start bullet journaling and just get those nagging thoughts out of your head, down on paper, and then put it in a drawer or under your bed or turn the pad over on the bedside table.
We do not make good decisions when we are not well rested. Everything is harder to deal with when we are looking through bleary over strained eyes. You deserve a good night’s sleep. Tuck yourself in gently tonight and be kind to yourself. Le me know how it goes.
Now over to you: Can you relate to some of this? What is your best bedtime routine? Let me know in my Facebook community.
Is the heat making you annoyed, irritable, itching for a fight with the mailman?
Do you remember the MTV show, The Real World? During later interviews, participants would divulge that the houses were always kept sweltering. It made them more likely to lash out at one another, creating juicy drama for producers and viewers.
Heat naturally makes us irritable and grumpy. My best piece of advice is to get over it.
In today’s real world, it’s getting hotter and it’s not making people happier or kinder. Summer this year has been sweltering for many on our overheated planet. Alaska hit 90 degrees in June. People didn’t go to work in Europe because there was no air conditioning and roads were melting.
Thoughts and prayers of safety for the earthquakes, hurricanes, typhoons, fires, volcanic eruptions, and unrest of any kind on our planet. Travel safely and carefully. Take a breath. And count to ten. Drink a glass of cold water. Eat a popsicle. Don’t be grumpy.
I hear a lot of complaining and anger in totally inappropriate situations. When did yelling become okay in polite discourse? When someone asks a question, is screaming the response of an adult? Honking when the light is green for a nanosecond?
Traffic is terrible everywhere. If you must yell, try to do it in the comfort of your own head. A friend told me a story recently about catching a ride with a colleague back to New York City after a conference…
This person was, in all the interactions my friend had ever had with him over a series of years, calm, reasonable and positive. This person got behind the wheel of the car and suddenly everyone else was an asshole. She was shocked. The ride lasted for four hours.
Now, I use this story as an example of what people do when they are grumpy. I myself speak to other drivers and occasionally yell at the traffic through the closed windows of my car.
Do I let other cars go ahead of me? Yes. Do I sometimes say unkind things about them as they move in front of or around me? Yes. Although I believe these behaviors to be mostly harmless and a way to blow off steam, I am reminded that in these instances I have dehumanized my fellow traveler and have wished them harm. And as it isn’t healthy for anyone to spend time raising their own blood pressure, I will try to lessen my animosity toward my fellow travelers.
It is a given that even the kindest among us get grumpy, but not everyone totally loses their shit at a stranger for the smallest infraction. It’s exhausting. It’s unkind and it does not seek joy.
I believe yelling is a learned behavior and as a learned behavior, what kind of example does it set for our children? You yell all the time at everyone, your children will yell all the time at everyone unless you stop. Don’t be grumpy.
I’m not sure what it is that makes people feel so entitled to spreading big black clouds of bad behavior. Politics aside, I don’t think we should accept rude as a way of life. No one wants to get yelled at, but sometimes we need to call people out on their outbursts. Or, if that’s too risky, then try to lead by example. Be kind. Let someone in line ahead of you. Everyone eventually gets to where they are going. And is five minutes worth risking your life?
Last summer, I asked a woman with two small children if I could help her by breaking down her stroller near the entrance to the plane. She looked at me with shock on her face and then blushed and smiled and handed me the stroller and picked up her toddler and walked onto the plane. Random acts of kindness.
Did that cost me anything? I remember traveling with two small children. It was not an easy task. I would have appreciated some help instead of people muttering under their breath about children shouldn’t be allowed on planes. And oh great, I hope those children are not going to be sitting next to me. Um, I can hear you…
Immediately.
Think about it. Who in your life responds with anger (besides a teenager)? I had the good fortune of being around a lot of teenagers at a family event recently. They were snarky, but not all the time and for goodness sakes, their brains aren’t fully developed.
I mean adults. Co-workers, family members, people out on the street? There is a lot of anger out there. And it’s frightening. We see new examples every day. About six months ago, I was sitting in a meeting. After hearing a colleague speak unkindly to someone new, I asked this colleague to use a different tone of voice.
She told me in a loud voice to shut up. I was stunned. And her behavior is well known and excused because she is such a good employee. Seriously? I have as little interaction with this person as possible. She doesn’t listen and uses said tone of voice all the time. I am sure she doesn’t hear herself.
It is my belief that bitter and angry are choices. We are all human and have pain. That is part of our existence. I am not going to join the impolite, angry, ones. The victims and the blamers. Those who embrace the drama/trauma cycle can do it if they wish.
There is no room for joy in the life of a blamer. We can all be grown-ups and take responsibility for our own mistakes as well as our triumphs.
It is impossible for me to think of one person whose life has turned out the way they planned. That everything they ever wanted has come true. That no one they loved has ever gotten sick or died or left. It doesn’t happen. And the only thing we have control over is how we manage the life we have.
Life isn’t fair it’s just life.* It’s the only one we get.
*Rob Lowe, Autobiography Stories I Only Tell My Friends
Now over to you: What can you do to spread more joy in this heated day and age?
Be kind to yourself.
A friend of mine lost her father a few weeks ago. It was sudden but not unexpected. He wasn’t old by today’s standards. 83, the same age as my own father before his most recent birthday.
This man has had and was having a sort of chronic series of health issues often age-related. And he wasn’t a great sport about getting older but remarked to me once after I asked him how he was doing. He said he wasn’t great, but that it beat the alternative. I laughed as of course he was right. He died in his sleep quietly and in no pain. May his memory bring joy to all who knew him.
The strange thing for me is that I reached out to this friend the week before because I had a feeling. Not a premonition exactly, just a feeling that something wasn’t right. It turned out she was the one who spent time in the ER that week because of a bad reaction to a treatment she was having.
There was a large group of people gathered at the funeral to support the family. I knew most of them. The scene was sad and touching and unfortunately all too familiar. This man died too soon but lead a very full life. He was married to his wife for over 60 years. Remarkable and lucky. His wife spoke so lovingly there were not too many dry eyes.
I don’t have many friends who have both parents alive anymore. And if their parents are still living they tend to need a lot of care and attention. And most of those same friends have children still in need of care and attention, sometimes a lot of care. It’s a difficult situation to be in need with both ends of the generational spectrum.
Definition: The Sandwich Generation.
A generation of people, typically in their thirties, forties and fifties often responsible for bringing up their own children and for the care of their aging parents.
I have another friend whose mother decided not to join her and her family for the holidays this year. Her reason? She didn’t feel up to it. This woman had a great-grandchild she hadn’t seen but that wasn’t enough of a pull to make the trip.
My friend confided to me that she was very sad to not have her mother there but also a tiny bit relieved as caring for her mother was harder than having a new baby in the house. I nodded knowingly.
It is not a case of cutting people off or out. I think we just need to be smarter about the energy that we do expend. I have a couple of suggestions…
A time to just be and reinvent our own lives. Grown-up children, although they may still need our support both emotionally and financially, we are not their priority. This is not a value judgement, it’s just a statement of fact. We need to make our own plans. Continue with our own lives. And if we need a break, get some coverage and take one.
It’s a tremendous amount of work and those hosting don’t get to spend the time they want with all the people there as they are too busy with the preparations.
When children get married or parents get divorced there are a lot more people added to the equation. Not everything can stay the same so a little flexibility might be just the thing. Just because Thanksgiving has always been your mother-in-laws holiday doesn’t mean it always has to be until the end of time. Every other year maybe?
I didn’t make this up. Try to keep sight of the fact that even if we are duty bound or otherwise we need to make sure our aging parents are okay, comfortable, happy and well cared for but not at the expense of our own well-being. If we are continually at the whim of other people’s needs we are in a constant state of stress and cannot make the best decisions for anyone. Only expend the energy you have. Ask for help. Share the work.
When dealing with family older or younger or your siblings, cousins etc. it is important to see the humor in every situation possible. I have written before about family folklore. Try to let it go and deal with the task at hand. Making sure that the people you love are okay.
And when in doubt, give yourself a time out even if it’s just a short time. Be the focus of your own story even if they are clamoring at the door. Open it again when you are ready.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: Do you remember to take care of yourself too? Do have any other advice to add to my list?
Mentoring happiness.
Are you rolling your eyes? Asking yourself how anyone can mentor happiness? Come on, you can be honest. That eye rolling can keep us cynical and separate. Above it all, right?
I used to roll my eyes all the time when I read something or heard something or saw something I thought was ridiculous. There was no lack of internal snide comments. They made encore appearances when I was feeling especially uncomfortable, feeling ‘other’, or simply, left out.
We as human beings are instinctively fearful of being left out. Historically, it has helped us to be biologically programmed to be part of a group, so a saber-toothed tiger wouldn’t eat us. (Please, no emails or comments about how our Homo-species and Saber-toothed Tigers may not have ever lived together.) The point is, we are programmed to live in groups. In groups, there is inherently conflict.
I used to think “if only I were thinner, slightly smarter, made more money, did even more for people” that the demons would go away. They didn’t. So, I started to think about what I wanted. It felt selfish, yet always freeing. Now I help other people to find their happiness.
The prism that colored my life was about pleasing people. If I did things for people or was the child no one had to worry about, then they would like me or love me and I wouldn’t feel so alone, so other, so out there & unprotected.
Eventually, this weight of pleasing people almost smothered me. I realized through a series of grave life events, dissolution of marriage, death of a parent, my own health issues that pleasing everyone else and not myself was not sustainable or healthy for me or the people I loved.
Happiness is a choice. That is what I believe.
Procrastination is a choice. It can be used as a resting stop or momentary stress reliever. Hopefully, that moment allows you to enter into a difficult task, conflict, or some kind of unpleasantness. When taken to the extreme, procrastination can be used to avoid happiness.
It doesn’t feel like that at the time. It just feels like avoiding something difficult or painful. We get stuck in the old paradigm of our lives, letting our squirrel brain take over. And we get back on that exercise wheel, reenacting a pattern in the same manner as we did yesterday and the day before and the year before that. We stay in relationships that are not good for us. And we stay in a work situation that isn’t positive or nurturing. Breaking out of a cycle of stress and depression takes a leap of faith and some help.
I don’t mean you will wake up every day and jump out of bed singing (unless you want to, in which case, go for it.)
I mean, start letting go of what you think you should be doing and start spending more time doing those things you want to be doing. That feeling of contentment, a few minutes here and there, when you are finally experiencing the present moment. That blissful feeling of enjoying whatever it is going on in your life.
One of my clients was beating his head against the wall trying to make a relationship work that didn’t have a chance. He felt anxious, misunderstood, and trapped. When we examined what he really wanted, he realized that this relationship of fighting, apologizing, and bending to someone else’s will wasn’t working for him, yet it was familiar.
He let it go. And it was a relief. He still wants a companion and special someone in his life but one who appreciates who he is, without shoving him in someone else’s mold.
My role wasn’t to impart some big secret truth of the universe. It was to get him to slow down. Allow him to recognize the patterns in his choices. Slowly he realized that ‘very familiar’ doesn’t mean ‘very good’ or even ‘positive’.
men·tor- An experienced and trusted advisor. adviser, guide, confidant, confidante, counselor, consultant
Another of my clients was so angry at her ex-husband that she stopped living her own life. She couldn’t experience joy and vowed never to be happy again. The problem as I saw it was that she didn’t exist in a vacuum. Her children were being negatively impacted by the big black cloud of misery which she was carrying around. Finally, she came to me, worried about one of her children.
As it turned out, this worrying behavior was mirroring his mother and her behavior. He loved his father and was very confused about what was happening.
After some very uncomfortable conversations and work, she realized that she wasn’t really angry. She was deeply hurt. It was a breakthrough which allowed us to work through this together. She stopped stalking her ex on Facebook and stopped using her kids as her sounding board. She isn’t quite ready to date but her kids are much happier and she has started to enjoy life a bit more.
Are you ready to be mentored towards happiness? Send me an email or a quick message and we can discuss.
Remember, we all deserve to be happy.
Be kind to yourself.
I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. And about being stuck in a decision we made, or one made for us, and how to move on even if we are pushed back.
Being aged out of day to day parenting. Parents getting older and needing more care. Job changes and relocations.
As much as we want things to stay the same, our lives change in huge and imperceptible ways. The only thing we can count on in this world is change. So why are so many of us resistant to it?
We are living longer lives and switching jobs more often. Rethinking our education. Divorce is more common than it ever was before. What happens when we get stuck? Fixed in a point and unable to move forward or move on?
How do you know something isn’t working for you? How do you know it’s time to do something else? What clues do you look for when trying to shift out of immobility?
As a counselor and educator, I see this all the time. People do not have an identified goal. Or the goal has been moved or reinvented and is no longer something they care about, feel passionate about, or even like.
These decisions take time. Sometimes we don’t know something isn’t working until we are deep into it. We all have a little voice that tells us if something isn’t right for us. And we ignore this voice frequently. My gauge has always been: when the inside pressure is stronger than the outside pressure.
People like to have things neatly pigeonholed. Everything and everyone in their place. It’s a way to make sense of the world. My clients discuss this a lot during our coaching sessions.
Change is not about giving up! The path you chose is not necessarily one based on a decision you made as a teenager. As a generation, there was a great deal of pressure on us to succeed. And to succeed in the traditional sense. School, college, career, marriage and children. And if you deviated from this path? Were you no longer successful?
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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I have friends who chose a career path beginning with high school, college, and graduate school. But 30 years later, they’re thinking about retiring from that path and doing something different. I admire their commitment and drive and ability to stay relevant in a world that doesn’t much resemble the one 30 years ago.
This was not my path. I get bored easily. Although I seemed to have all the answers, I only looked like I knew what I was doing. I tried a lot of things. And I got a lot of crap about it.
“You are so good at it, why not stay?”
“Bloom where you are planted.”
I was miserable in a variety of jobs, listening to the advice of people who had never not known what they wanted. So it took me a while to find my way…
I am an accomplished dyslexic with a degree in English. And I went back to school in my 40’s and may go back to school in my 50’s. My career has been very diverse. I even worked some temp jobs for a while in my 20’s. This time helped me rule out things I didn’t want to do. I take classes online constantly and have dumped several career paths.
Now at 50, with grown-up kids, I finally figured out what I want to do, even though I have been doing it unofficially all my life: counseling.
Many of my students (I teach English as a second language at a local college) have no idea why they are in school. They have a vague idea about wanting a better life and a higher paying job, but many have no idea why they are studying.
There is also a group of students I teach who are returning to school to get an undergraduate degree after being in the workforce for 5-25 years. This time they know why they are in school and what they want. I think this helps their motivation. Most of these people are married, have kids, and have a career. But they want to further it with a degree.
If the thing you are doing or pursuing doesn’t feed your soul, then you are probably doing something that might have to be reconsidered. Not every path is linear. One of the things I do in my practice is help people with change.
I am not telling you to quit your job or commit financial suicide. Paying the bills is a great motivator for staying in a position. If people depend on you to be the provider, then that is something you must take into consideration when deciding. Not the only thing to consider, but an important thing.
Either in your field or with something completely different. See what else is out there that might make you a little more positive about moving forward.
Say, in six months, I am going to have three options lined up to choose from.
Or do it part time so you can see how it feels. Try it on and see how it fits. If it fits! If it feels like your favorite old sweater or gets your heart and imagination racing, then you have some evidence to base a decision on, right?
People in the industry of job or school you are interested in. Make a call a week. Spend 30 minutes a day searching online. Keep moving until you have reached your destination.
To quit or suspend your current education until you figure out what you want. Many schools or graduate programs will be okay with you taking a semester off to consider.
Most importantly:
And if you need a little guidance through a change, get in touch we’ll set up a call to discuss!
Be kind to yourself!
Now over to you: Have you ever felt like you were stuck? How did you deal with this situation?
After my divorce, it was an attractive thought to curl up in a ball and stay in bed, mourning the marriage that was. It wasn’t that I didn’t know that I would ultimately be better off, it was the fear of the unknown that enwrapped me. Above all, I had two teenage children living with me who deserved support and stability. I found these five strategies very helpful. Hope you will too.
Give yourself time.
A divorce is a loss. There will be strong feelings. Try not to turn them inward by assigning blame or blaming yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
Feelings are not like light switches and you cannot turn them on or off like the light over the kitchen table. Speak with people that you trust. Probably your former mother-in-law is not the best choice to confide in. Your friends, family, or a professional is your best direction.
Wallowing is appropriate, especially after a long relationship. There may be feelings of relief mixed with sadness. This is normal and your feelings matter. Let them be felt. By acknowledging them, you can move at your own pace and take time to figure out what moving on even means to you.
I’m all for being strong when kids are around. It’s okay to let them know you are hurting but your inability to cope will scare them. It is better not to depend on them for support as they often think they are to blame for a break-up. Let them know that’s not the cause and your burden is not there’s.
Seeking professional help for children or allowing them to express their feelings is really important. There are books for kids about divorce which are specifically age appropriate. Let your family doctor or pediatrician know what’s going on, they’ll be able to support you as well, by assisting with stress-related recommendations or resources.
This may be one of the most important challenges when a marriage or relationship breaks up. It doesn’t speak to the emotions but does give you a place to start rebuilding. That means understanding the finances of your current situation.
How much property do you own? How about stocks, bank accounts, securities etc. The more informed you are, the better decision you can make. It will help explain your situation to a lawyer or mediator. Remember, a mediator just wants a signed document and don’t always have your best interests in mind.
You need to be up to speed on all things financial which affect your family going forward. Knowledge is power. It is always a good idea to contact an accountant, lawyer, or another financial professional for at least a consultation so you will know your rights and have the facts.
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What do you want? Seems like an easy question to answer, but it’s not. Like many people, you have probably subverted your wants and needs for the good of the family. You’ve adapted yourself to please your former spouse and now is the time to explore what it is that you want.
If the question is too daunting to answer all at once, think of it in a time frame or smaller fragments of time. For now, the next hour or perhaps the next month or year.
Have you always wanted to go back to school? Change careers? Go back to work? Travel? There is great freedom and satisfaction in trying to figure this out. Is there a hobby that you used to enjoy and no longer spend time doing? Play guitar, learn Spanish, bake pastries?
Make a plan and make yourself a priority.
When I was going through my divorce, I found writing tremendously helpful. I asked myself some hard questions and developed exercises to really get to the heart of the issues I was dealing with.
Then I returned to writing and shared a myriad of emotions with the page in front of me. I find writing to be especially therapeutic and unburdening. It was a powerful tool which helped me reconnect with my emotional self.
This writing, connecting, and unburdening left me with a roadmap. A general guide that anyone can follow through their divorce in order to gain closure and move towards a fulfilling life.
Over time I have developed this interactive guide to include stories, poems, thought exercises, and stimulating coloring pages which help your mind wander in a focused frame.
This interactive guide will help you with finding a way to get in touch with yourself. Whether through writing, baking, jogging, or any form of creativity, it is more important than you may realize. And before you say you are not creative, I assure you, in your own special way, you are creative.
Think of yourself and see what makes you happy, what gets you excited, and what are you simply not ready to try yet?
Now over to you. What have you done which helped you remain intact through the stages of divorce? Where are you in your journey and if you could go back, what would you tell yourself?
Be kind to yourself.
