That Rainy Day Is Just What You Needed

rainy-day-tamara-mendelson

Saving is usually a good thing. Save money, save time, and save yourself the trouble. But is there a point where we save too much? Are we pushing off our happiness for too long, waiting for a time that may never come?

I watched a TedTalk in which Gillian Dunn, an emergency room nurse and motivational speaker, spoke about buying a beautiful candle and putting it away in her closet for so long that it melted without her. She spoke about the need to use the things we have, a point which I think resonates with each and every one of us.

Too Special for Today?

We cram our closets with things we don’t like or don’t use or aren’t worth keeping. We simply hold onto it, thinking we may need it someday.

Fine china or that beautiful dress gets locked away somewhere, only to be seen once in a decade. Our subconscious tells us that today is not deserving of nice things. Let’s save it for when we have earned a special occasion.

Our children might want things that belonged to relatives that are no longer with us. I carry a purse that belonged to a dear Auntie that makes me smile whenever I use it. That’s the key: using it. If these items are tucked away in a closet, their history will never be shared. They will simply become something that another person must throw away one day.

We all have too many things. Things that don’t fit our bodies or our lifestyles. So why do we hang on to them? Because we might need them? The truth is, we probably won’t, and would be happier if we just let them go. but if we do have space we fill it.

Clutter

It’s a good exercise to declutter. Remember garage sales?

Making space in our lives for just the things we need feels like freedom (Tweet it!)

Belongings take time and energy to manage. Ask anyone who has ever cleared out a basement. The whole house feels lighter and airier. The  physical items we allow into our lives can add stress and anxiety if they do not serve a purpose. Donating to a charity or selling on eBay or Facebook are great ways to let things go and feel good about it.

Although I agree with the philosophy that we should keep only what we can use, I am not recommending the Kondo method. I don’t agree with the idea that everything you own needs to bring you joy or be discarded. I don’t have that kind of relationship with everything I own, but have downsized both by choice and circumstance twice. And it feels good.

Off Limits

I distinctly remember when I was growing up there were some homes I visited that had plastic slip covers on the furniture, and the living room no one lived in. At the home of a friend, there were red, theater-type ropes to keep people, mostly kids, out of this room.

Most of us were living in the suburbs then and had the space for one of these “museum rooms.” A room with belongings behind glass and under protective coverings. To be preserved, not enjoyed.

This struck me as very odd – having a whole room just for when people came to visit. No children (or husbands) were allowed in that room, even with the covers on. I remember someone’s mother yelling, “Don’t you go in there with that drink and get rings on my table!” There were bowls full of brightly colored candy that no one was allowed to eat. “That’s for company,” I recall being told. I was not the right kind of company.

At our house, there really wasn’t a room like that. We did have a living room with a stereo, a big sectional sofa, and a fireplace. But that wasn’t where the television was so the room didn’t hold much interest. Life was lived in the kitchen, at the dining room table, in the family room, and outside. The living room was used at large family gatherings,  but it wasn’t forbidden to go in there at other times.

Now is the Time

Our world is in a little bit of a mess at present.

According to the Grammarist though the phrase save it for a rainy day use as a phrase goes back to the middle 1500’s. It most commonly means saving money for a time when you really need it.

It’s original use was in an Italian play written by A. F. Grazzini called La Spiritata. The play was adapted into English by John Lyly and renamed The Bugbears: “Wold he haue me kepe nothing against a raynye day?”

500 years hasn’t changed the need for security and the idea that saving money for a time when it is needed can bring some sense of peace.

It’s raining folks, and hard. Literally and figuratively. When things are uncertain, isn’t that a good time to use the best things you have? What exactly are you saving them for? And instead of pushing our noses into our phones 24/7, let’s enjoy the simple, beautiful things we possess.

Now is not the time to put away Grandma’s china; use it. Think of her hands around the same cup you are using now. It brings a warm feeling to my heart to set my table with my mothers’ fancy china. When she was married in 1959, they had everyday stuff and stuff that was never used.

Why not use the nice things today, instead of waiting?

I think the rainy day is upon us and it’s time to get a little comfort from using the things that bring us joy.

Do you have a storage unit? Or an attic full of things? When was the last time you went through them? There might be treasures in there. Think photo albums, old letters…

Having less stuff to look after and keep track of can also give a sense of peace. Let’s all try to do a little less saving and use the things we have more, with joy.

Less stuff can also apply to the clutter in our minds. If you need someone to speak with who focuses on positive improvement, reach out.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

When you feel out of control, control what you can and let go of the rest

Tamara Mendelson | Control Let Go
It’s a dizzying time in the world right now.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m on a roller coaster and getting off isn’t really an easy option. It seems we all have an E-ticket to the ride and it goes on and on every single day.

But we don’t have to stay on it. It’s a conscious decision to create some distance from the craziness. It is possible and healthy.

If you keep up with the news it’s enough to send even the most stoic among us into hiding. During my coaching sessions, we regularly discuss the dilemma of: How do you keep a positive outlook when you are buried in the news cycle of terrible events?

Let’s face it, most of the news we are bombarded with is horrific and huge and too big for us to do anything about, except worry.

But you worry enough. If you want to help, donate to a charity on the ground making a difference. If you don’t agree with a government’s policy or response, vote! You have a voice, let it be heard. Support a candidate you believe in. Changes happen and more than 100 women in Congress is a good start.

Wringing your hands will just create a cycle of helplessness that won’t help anyone. Especially you.

I remember reading a story once

It was about a British diplomat posted in some faraway place where the newspapers took months to get to him. When someone asked if that fact frustrated him, he replied something like I still know what’s happening just at a little slower pace.

What a remarkable idea? A slower pace. I am not suggesting not keeping up with what’s going on in your part of the world. Just slowing down the pace. How many times do you check your phone for messages, or texts in a day? An hour? If you turned off some of those notifications think how much more time, energy and focus you could devote to what was going on in your immediate surroundings.

With many of us celebrating holidays, how about celebrating by putting away your phone when you are in a group of people and talk face to face. Don’t start the day checking your email, unless you are working. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble here. Stay off Facebook and Twitter for a few days.

Why would I suggest going low tech? It’s blasphemy! It’s to get back control over your time. We are all like Pavlov’s dog and the bell. Our brains are programmed to answer those notifications.

So what do we do? We get a little control over the flow of information overload and bad news.

One of the things I insist my clients do when they are going through a breakup or divorce is to stay off their former partners Facebook page. What we put there is only the good stuff. There is no filter and why would you cause yourself pain if you didn’t have to?

Be grateful and thankful

Be grateful, thankful, and careful this season with your feelings. We can only control how we react to things. If your first reaction is pain, stop doing that. Remember the old joke about the guy going to the doctor and the doctor asks:

“What’s wrong?”
“It hurts when I do this” the guy says shaking his arm.
The doctor responds matter of factly “stop doing that then.”

Okay so maybe it isn’t that funny but you get the idea, right?

Why put yourself into situations that cause you pain? If it’s your family, do something different this year. Just because you are related to someone by blood or marriage doesn’t mean they get to inflict a lifetime of suffering on you. You do have control. Give yourself the gift of doing what you want this year. Of surrounding yourself with people who don’t tease you about something you did 20 years ago. Mean isn’t the atmosphere you want to cultivate in your life.

And I am not suggesting not to be loving and giving, but not if it costs you your well-being and self-esteem. Traditions can be so overrated. And in some cases, it’s how people keep control over other people in the name of a tradition that is neither pleasant or healthy.

It’s worth a shot trying to have a conversation before the event with the adult or adults that do and have behaved badly. If you are clear about your intentions and how you want to be treated, some progress can be made. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to be honest about what works and doesn’t work for you.

People can change but if you don’t ask to be treated differently you won’t be. (Tweet it!)

If after you have had these conversations nothing changes, it has changed for you. If you ask for what you want and don’t get it, then you get to decide how you want to proceed. How you respond is what is in your control.

And if you need a little help, let me know.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Is there something you would like to get more control over? How will you do it?

 

 

 

 

Forgiving yourself and the month of Elul

Soon, Jews all over the world will celebrate Rosh HaShanah. Literally translated it is the head of the year. One of the most important holidays. The one where we start reading the Torah over again from the beginning. Rolling the scrolls all the way back to the start. Telling the stories of the bible again from the beginning.

The beginning. A new beginning. Preceding this new beginning of the new year is a month of special blessings and prayers and activities to get ready for the holidays to come. The month is called Elul. Forgiveness.

So what is Elul?

Homes are cleaned and refreshed. Bread is tossed into bodies of water to symbolize casting out of sin and asking for forgiveness. Many wear white or lighter colors on these days to symbolize purity of thought. Extra blessing called Selichot are added to daily prayers and repeated on both Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur.

Between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, there is a period of ten days where people are supposed to ask forgiveness from someone that they have wronged. There is a pretty good loophole here as you may ask forgiveness from someone three times and if they refuse all three times God forgives you and you are absolved. That’s the forgiveness free card.

This is my interpretation of what goes on in Judaism. There are so many more knowledgeable people out there. My apologies if I have offended anyone’s sensibilities. My point here is that this forgiveness thing is built into one of the oldest religions in the world. Maybe there is some truth to it? Something we can take away and use in our own lives.

This is the part of this practice of forgiveness I would like people to adopt and incorporate into their lives every day.

My experience

I have seen too many families with feuds with whole branches of relatives that don’t speak. This can go on from one generation to another when eventually, no one even knows why they don’t speak. The hatred and scorn and animosity is carried forward and in some cases, the kids don’t know why they don’t speak to those family members. The feud outlasts its reason.

I have clients who are so angry at their exes that they are stuck and the contempt just lingers and builds and bubbles up even though the relationship is long over. They carry the disdain into everything they do. Have adopted a victim stance and don’t ever examine why they make the same choices over and over again and wonder why their dissatisfaction and unhappiness lingers. They bring it with them like well to reuse an overused phrase, luggage.

I have clients with health issues and they are angry and ask the question, “Why me?” instead of “Why not me.” No one is immune to pain or disease or heartache. I have had other clients who would like to be thin or thinner and that consumes their energy. Healthy isn’t enough. Somehow we believe that if we were ten pounds thinner life would be better. Life would be thinner sure but not necessarily better.

It is a heavy load

People carry the burden of something they have done or said throughout their lifetimes. They often make the same mistakes over and over again because the original deed, choice, or action was never undone or brought to light and forgiven.

Guilt is a heavy load to carry and can color all aspects of your life. (Tweet it!)

I propose to unpack our guilt and not lug it through another year. It can make us sick and rob us of joy. If you believe, as I do, that we do the best we can with the information we have at the time then it’s easier to forgive.

Make peace with it and then let it go. I recommend you to try to make amends. There are 12 step programs built on this principle, and most major religions are also built on similar tenants. The trick here is to forgive ourselves first.

The world is a scary place right now and we need to come together as humanity and move forward into light.

And if you had a forgiveness free card what would you use it on?

I know many parents who would have spent more time with their kids and less time at work.

How about forgiving yourself for not being home and getting less satisfaction out of raising your kids. They are still around and just because things have always been this way doesn’t mean they always will be.

If your adult kids don’t treat you well. Don’t allow it. You can limit your exposure. This is difficult and painful but may help you feel better in the short term. We all deserve respect especially from the people we are related to by blood and otherwise.

If a colleague is making you miserable, bring it to their attention or if that isn’t possible stop allowing them to get to you. Maybe they are very unhappy and this is the only way they can deal with their life. It doesn’t have to be your way.

Make a plan to do things a little differently in the future. No need to wait for a holiday. Fix it now.

Believe that you deserve happiness. It doesn’t have to be 10 on a scale of 1-10, but more joy than regret.

And if you need a little help on your journey to self-forgiveness, I’m around.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What would you use your forgiveness free card on?

 

 

 

 

Nature Knows

Cool fall wind blows mist
Trees our oldest friends show us:
release what doesn’t serve

The fallen leaves a mess
A messy promise that once cleansed
New beauty comes in spring

Fall winds change to winter
Fallen leaves change to nurturing soil
The trees tell it all

Tamara Mendelson

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Frenemies?

Frenemies-Tamara-Mendelson
Photo by Vincent van Zalinge

The interesting thing about difficult people is they can’t see themselves as difficult.

Heated arguments can pit you against a friend even though you both agree on all points. I have asked people on occasion to alter their tone or manner in speaking to me and it doesn’t work on everyone. The last time I asked someone to alter their tone they told me to shut up. An adult in a meeting. So I don’t use the tone of voice comments with that colleague anymore.

Some people are so confident in their feelings of rightness, righteousness or point of view that there is no room for disagreement, compromise, or real communication of any kind.

I had such an interaction a few weeks ago.

Irritation is in the eye of the beholder

During a conversation that went from funny, awkward, to downright uncomfortable, I realized that I had to distance myself from a friend.

The person in question was complaining about how people find her irritating but that it’s their problem. Everyone around them agreed about her shrillness and overall terrible disposition. This person was adamant that it was everyone else’s issue. It might have been funny if it wasn’t so uncomfortable.

Are you supposed to change in order to be in everyone’s good graces? Should you change your personality because of how other people perceive you? It’s a tricky question that really goes back to yourself. Will you be a happier you if you make these changes? Will society benefit from a kinder, more relaxed person?

On that same note, the change may be distancing yourself from that person who pushes you into negative thoughts, actions, or dispositions.

The sweetness

If there is someone in your life related to by blood, in your work life, your community or society who is always angry and extremely trying, let it go. You don’t need to stick around to be collateral damage.

There was a time in the world not so long ago when people of different opinions could get along just fine. This magical time allowed bleeding heart liberals and hard-right conservatives to work together respectfully and productively without drawing a line in the sand multiple times a day. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case in polite society. This is the world we live in at present. And we need to figure out a way to live with this higher level of negativity and hostility.

Pick your battles

A dear friend whose opinion I have appreciated on many subjects and have sought out on many occasions reminded me to “See them as they see themselves. Allow that they may have merit in their expertise or experience. Try to look beyond the bluster and unrestrained noise.”

Most difficult people are prone toward confrontation and are wired to enter into conflict. Don’t get suckered in. Pick your battles. Unless you are in danger, take a deep breath and stop before you take a step into the ring. Try to let it blow over you like a hot heavy breath, which often times it is. Get to the heart of the matter whether it be personal or professional.

Part of the responsibility of adulthood is to work at surrounding ourselves with people we feel comfortable with and who are supportive of who we are. But that certainly isn’t everyone in our environment.

I have found that one of the most important things about dealing with difficult people is that their hostile or grumpy attitude doesn’t have anything to do with me or you or even the situation at hand. (Tweet it!)

It may be the only way they know how to deal with their world. Maybe they feel powerless, thinking they can only get what they need by shouting and throwing an adult tantrum.

Solutions

Sometimes all it takes is an acknowledgment of what difficult people are saying. It’s cliche but  “I hear you,” said verbally, electronically or expressed physically by a light touch on their arm can change the energy of the conversation. It can distract from an angry onslaught or balance the trigger of their normal way of interacting with people. It may turn off the switch or turn down the volume of another person’s dumping of negativity all over you.

Read the situation. Calling someone out on their negativity can put people on edge and often in a more defensive posture. Consider the timing. Let them vent, then bring their negativity to their awareness. In some unfortunate situations, it might be wise to limit your contact. It is more important to be civil than to be right.

I find counting to ten or taking a deep breath is often more successful than direct interaction.  If someone is primed for a confrontation don’t engage. Don’t send the text, wait on that email before hitting send, take a breath. Think it over. If you still must say something, think of specific points and how they will take it. Will your message get across or will you feed their difficult personality?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

Empty Nesting

The echoes of childhood laughter bounce off quiet walls

Clutter of left behind bags, books and toys are mute.

Those vibrant beings are off now, into their lives, launched by two decades

of love, wounds, healing, nurturing guidance, constant disagreements and care.

Both part of me for a short time, expelled into the light and air.

“Mommy don’t ever leave me” the little one used to say.

I smiled and knew that she would leave me first.

 

Tamara Mendelson

You Are Perfect

Do not be afraid

To just be whom you are

People who love you will

And others will not

Why try to be who they want

They will hate anyway

 

Tamara Mendelson

Birthdays and my new super powers

I am celebrating my birthday this week. Not a big birthday. No round numbers like a 0 or a 5. Not a milestone birthday that would launch me into a new decade or signal my retirement. Not a prime number as it is divisible by 19.33 and 3.05. An ordinary number for an ordinary birthday.

People always ask what someone wants for their birthday. It’s an odd question really unless you are eight years old.

What do I want for my birthday? Let’s see… I don’t need anything, not really. It is a treat to spend time with my kids and my friends but other than that. A walk on the beach. Some rain in the forecast.

Then some people press on… “No, really. What do you want?” So then my requests get more difficult and larger. It’s what I really want. There is not so much in between.

This is what I want

Peace on earth if that isn’t too much trouble. Treating women with equality and dignity. Ending all the armed conflicts. Making sure all children have access to good food, clean water, safe shelter, and an education. Definitely an education.

The power to help make any of these things happen. To help effect change. So by this point, my well-meaning friends are rolling their eyes, and I get that. I was just trying to answer the question.

My Dad turned 84 last week. What did he get for his birthday? A trip to the emergency room and a new pacemaker. That is a sucky gift but the fact that he is alive and is in pretty good shape is a nice gift for me and my siblings and everyone that knows him.

How cool would it be if we were assigned super powers for our birthdays? Flying, that would be great. I have spent a fair amount of time in airports this summer and to skip that whole experience would be great.

I wish I could fly without the assistance of an airplane. Wings would be kind of cool. The extra width on top would make up for my widening middle section. Hell, I wish I could read without my glasses. That’s not possible anymore either. Still, all in all I am doing okay.

My new super powers

Just recently, to my shock and surprise, I have discovered a new super power.

It doesn’t come with an invisible plane like Wonder Woman. Or an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. In fact there are no cool gadgets attached at all. There isn’t even an on and off switch.

Don’t be jealous. It is the power of stealth. Maybe it would be helpful if I were a spy. It’s a power that we all acquire at one time or another. As we age though it, it may become a permanent thing. So at 50 plus you become invisible to anyone under the age of 25. Maybe even anyone under the age of 30.

I saw a sketch about getting older once on the Amy Schumer show or comedy central and it resonated with me. It was about women aging out of parts in Hollywood. The one example that was brought up was Sally Field playing Tom Hanks love interest in Punchline and then 6 years later in Forrest Gump playing his elderly mother.

Was her aging process accelerated in those six years?

So, Amy is wandering through the woods. She comes out into the light and three women all stars for decades are laughing and toasting one another and having some sort of celebratory lunch. The table is laden with all kinds of high calorie goodies.They revel in the fact that Julia doesn’t have to maintain her body anymore as Hollywood has decided that she is done being desirable. Tina Fey, toasts Julia Louis Dreyfus last f**kable day as an actress.

The point that men don’t have this issue was made very clearly. So, as people, do we all age out of being considered attractive, sexy, relevant or interesting? I think things are changing for the better but the fact that beauty and relevance have expiration dates is disheartening.

The flip side of all this invisibility is I see myself more clearly than I ever have. I am more comfortable with the things I cannot do and try to focus on the things I can do. My ability to concentrate has increased and I recently worked toward a certification online in Positive Psychology. I heard one of the professors do a TED Talk about grit and followed her back to the source. It was exciting and I felt proud learning something new.

And I am beginning to believe that I may have also acquired another super power along the way that is much more useful. Wisdom.

A Definition of wisdom

The ability to discern inner qualities and relationships: insight.
The ability to use good judgement and make the correct or appropriate decision in difficult or challenging situations.
Accumulated philosophical or scientific learning: knowledge.
A wise attitude, belief, or course of action.

My children ask me things all the time and I can answer with some sort of reasonable explanation and they are kind of surprised. “Mom, how do you know that?” I shrug my shoulders because I can’t really answer them and sometimes it’s a little embarrassing to come up with this stuff out of thin air. Well not really thin air but out of years and years of experiences, living, and being alive.

If the superpower of invisibility comes with wisdom then that’s okay.

And every birthday we get to celebrate is a gift. (Tweet it!)

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What is your super power?

Silence

Silence is louder than lightning.

There is no flash to blind.

The nothingness of an echo

that is swallowed by a chasm.

Words left unsaid stuck in my mouth,

swallowed bitter and whole.

And the rest in my belly covering

anger, after all covers sadness,

no light in the darkness, no sound.

 

Tamara Mendelson

Back to school: How to make your children have a better school year

“School days school days good old golden rule days…“ My cheerful and wickedly funny mother used to sing this song to us at least two weeks before school started. I could hear glee in her voice as we groaned. The more we groaned the louder she sang. With four of us, six years apart total that was a considerable amount of organization and implementation that went into getting us ready for an early September start date.

The second phrase in the song is especially poignant for me. My mom lived by the golden rule. The basic tenant of most major religions, of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Treat people how you would like to be treated. (Tweet it!)

I think that would be a great way to start 1st grade or kindergarten. Would that help decrease bullying, I wonder? If we really taught children empathy and what it is like live in someone else’s shoes?

Actions speak louder than words

The world these days seems less empathetic to me. It’s one thing to tell your children to be nice to others. Showing them by example is more effective but is also a great deal harder to model.
Maybe next time someone cuts you off in traffic don’t yell at them or call them names… Just say, “Guess he was in a hurry” and let it go. I get it. Traffic sucks all over the world except in places where they don’t have cars. Get that, a little privilege humor.

Another way to instill compassion in children is to call out instances outside the family of people doing good things for our communities, nations, and the world. These instances may seem to be hard to come by at the moment when mean bullying behavior has been normalized.

Donate those old clothes and shoes that your children have outgrown. Donate those not so old clothes that you have outgrown. Or don’t wear or don’t need. It’s a great family project and can help people other people. Start a food drive in your community. Not just at Xmas time or during other holidays.

What really matters

In my classroom at a local college the students have a lot. They dress well and most have cars. Certainly, they all have smartphones and brand name sneakers. At the end of the school year, a couple of students in the class did a presentation about poverty in our community. They talked about 1 in 5 families struggling. It was the first time all year that the class was completely quiet. Silence. We had an entire unit on food shortages all over the world. It was the first time they got it. And these two students are trying to do something in their community to make things better for the less fortunate. A person or two people can make a difference. Compassion, empathy, and the will to do something to help. Good students.

When potential new immigrants or asylum seekers are turned away at the borders or incarcerated when all our ancestors were at one time or another immigrants, legal or otherwise. Or when parents are separated from their children and lost track of in some mistaken crusade for keeping Americans safe. In some Middle Eastern and African countries when girls are not allowed to go to school or to be educated. When speaking your mind could end your life.

How do we explain these injustices to our children?

By not being apathetic and by speaking out against them. By being an example of how people should behave. And by not saying things like “girls are bad at math” and “boys are good at sports” by not perpetuating stereotypes but treating people as individuals not defined by their sex, age, race, nation of birth, or gender.

Okay, so that’s a big assignment and school just began

…So let’s start smaller:

Changing the world can seem like a boulder you need to push uphill.

Try not getting annoyed by something unimportant and saving your energy for the big things. Do one kind thing today even if no one is watching.

Tell someone studying something earthshaking that what they are doing matters. Say for example a niece working on researching and or inventing biodegradable or edible packaging to help end the tremendous plastic problem we currently have on planet earth.

Education is a gift. Knowledge is the best power to combat insensitivity and disregard. We are never too old to learn new things. If taking a class seems too great a commitment watch a documentary about bees or something.

No matter who is going back to school, your five-year-old to kindergarten, or your partner going back to finish high school or completing their college degree send them out there with your full support. Make sure they understand what they are doing is meaningful and expanding their minds is the best way to guard against ignorance.

And if you want to sing the song my mother did to rub in the fact that you aren’t going to school I’ll be happy to sing it for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How do you prepare your children or yourself to go back to school?