Are you grumpy? Get over it and focus on change

grumpy-get-over-yourself

Is the heat making you annoyed, irritable, itching for a fight with the mailman?

Do you remember the MTV show, The Real World? During later interviews, participants would divulge that the houses were always kept sweltering. It made them more likely to lash out at one another, creating juicy drama for producers and viewers.

Heat naturally makes us irritable and grumpy. My best piece of advice is to get over it.

In today’s real world, it’s getting hotter and it’s not making people happier or kinder. Summer this year has been sweltering for many on our overheated planet. Alaska hit 90 degrees in June. People didn’t go to work in Europe because there was no air conditioning and roads were melting.

Thoughts and prayers of safety for the earthquakes, hurricanes, typhoons, fires, volcanic eruptions, and unrest of any kind on our planet. Travel safely and carefully. Take a breath. And count to ten. Drink a glass of cold water. Eat a popsicle. Don’t be grumpy.

get-over-yourself
As with any trip of any kind outside your little air-conditioned corner of the world, it can be stressful. Our interactions and stressors while traveling even to the grocery store can put us right in the midst of a diverse group of people. It makes us grumpy. Sometimes there is a language barrier. Definitely a politeness barrier. 0 to screaming in 10 seconds.

What’s going on?

I hear a lot of complaining and anger in totally inappropriate situations. When did yelling become okay in polite discourse? When someone asks a question, is screaming the response of an adult? Honking when the light is green for a nanosecond?

Traffic is terrible everywhere. If you must yell, try to do it in the comfort of your own head. A friend told me a story recently about catching a ride with a colleague back to New York City after a conference…

This person was, in all the interactions my friend had ever had with him over a series of years, calm, reasonable and positive. This person got behind the wheel of the car and suddenly everyone else was an asshole. She was shocked. The ride lasted for four hours.

Now, I use this story as an example of what people do when they are grumpy. I myself speak to other drivers and occasionally yell at the traffic through the closed windows of my car.

Do I let other cars go ahead of me? Yes. Do I sometimes say unkind things about them as they move in front of or around me? Yes. Although I believe these behaviors to be mostly harmless and a way to blow off steam, I am reminded that in these instances I have dehumanized my fellow traveler and have wished them harm. And as it isn’t healthy for anyone to spend time raising their own blood pressure, I will try to lessen my animosity toward my fellow travelers.

It happens to all of us

It is a given that even the kindest among us get grumpy, but not everyone totally loses their shit at a stranger for the smallest infraction. It’s exhausting. It’s unkind and it does not seek joy.

I believe yelling is a learned behavior and as a learned behavior,  what kind of example does it set for our children? You yell all the time at everyone, your children will yell all the time at everyone unless you stop. Don’t be grumpy.

I’m not sure what it is that makes people feel so entitled to spreading big black clouds of bad behavior. Politics aside, I don’t think we should accept rude as a way of life. No one wants to get yelled at, but sometimes we need to call people out on their outbursts. Or, if that’s too risky, then try to lead by example. Be kind. Let someone in line ahead of you. Everyone eventually gets to where they are going. And is five minutes worth risking your life?

A real-life example

Last summer, I asked a woman with two small children if I could help her by breaking down her stroller near the entrance to the plane. She looked at me with shock on her face and then blushed and smiled and handed me the stroller and picked up her toddler and walked onto the plane. Random acts of kindness.

Did that cost me anything? I remember traveling with two small children. It was not an easy task. I would have appreciated some help instead of people muttering under their breath about children shouldn’t be allowed on planes. And oh great, I hope those children are not going to be sitting next to me. Um, I can hear you…

I think empathy is an art form that we need to bring back. (Tweet it!)

Immediately.

Think about it. Who in your life responds with anger (besides a teenager)? I had the good fortune of being around a lot of teenagers at a family event recently. They were snarky, but not all the time and for goodness sakes, their brains aren’t fully developed.

I mean adults. Co-workers, family members, people out on the street? There is a lot of anger out there. And it’s frightening. We see new examples every day. About six months ago, I was sitting in a meeting. After hearing a colleague speak unkindly to someone new, I asked this colleague to use a different tone of voice.

She told me in a loud voice to shut up. I was stunned. And her behavior is well known and excused because she is such a good employee. Seriously? I have as little interaction with this person as possible. She doesn’t listen and uses said tone of voice all the time. I am sure she doesn’t hear herself.

Bitter and angry are choices

It is my belief that bitter and angry are choices. We are all human and have pain. That is part of our existence. I am not going to join the impolite, angry, ones. The victims and the blamers. Those who embrace the drama/trauma cycle can do it if they wish.

There is no room for joy in the life of a blamer. We can all be grown-ups and take responsibility for our own mistakes as well as our triumphs.

It is impossible for me to think of one person whose life has turned out the way they planned. That everything they ever wanted has come true. That no one they loved has ever gotten sick or died or left. It doesn’t happen. And the only thing we have control over is how we manage the life we have.

Life isn’t fair it’s just life.* It’s the only one we get.
*Rob Lowe, Autobiography Stories I Only Tell My Friends

Now over to you: What can you do to spread more joy in this heated day and age?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

5 powerful strategies for embracing change late in life

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. And about being stuck in a decision we made, or one made for us, and how to move on even if we are pushed back.

Being aged out of day to day parenting. Parents getting older and needing more care. Job changes and relocations.

As much as we want things to stay the same, our lives change in huge and imperceptible ways. The only thing we can count on in this world is change. So why are so many of us resistant to it?

The only thing that is constant is change

We are living longer lives and switching jobs more often. Rethinking our education. Divorce is more common than it ever was before. What happens when we get stuck? Fixed in a point and unable to move forward or move on?

How do you know something isn’t working for you? How do you know it’s time to do something else? What clues do you look for when trying to shift out of immobility?

As a counselor and educator, I see this all the time. People do not have an identified goal. Or the goal has been moved or reinvented and is no longer something they care about, feel passionate about, or even like.

Decisions take time

These decisions take time. Sometimes we don’t know something isn’t working until we are deep into it. We all have a little voice that tells us if something isn’t right for us. And we ignore this voice frequently. My gauge has always been: when the inside pressure is stronger than the outside pressure.

People like to have things neatly pigeonholed. Everything and everyone in their place. It’s a way to make sense of the world. My clients discuss this a lot during our coaching sessions.

But is it time for a change?

Change is not about giving up! The path you chose is not necessarily one based on a decision you made as a teenager. As a generation, there was a great deal of pressure on us to succeed. And to succeed in the traditional sense. School, college, career, marriage and children. And if you deviated from this path? Were you no longer successful?

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
[magicactionbox id=1256]

I have friends who chose a career path beginning with high school, college, and graduate school. But 30 years later, they’re thinking about retiring from that path and doing something different. I admire their commitment and drive and ability to stay relevant in a world that doesn’t much resemble the one 30 years ago.

This was not my path. I get bored easily. Although I seemed to have all the answers, I only looked like I knew what I was doing. I tried a lot of things. And I got a lot of crap about it.

“You are so good at it, why not stay?”

“Bloom where you are planted.”

I was miserable in a variety of jobs, listening to the advice of people who had never not known what they wanted. So it took me a while to find my way…

I found my path in my 50’s

I am an accomplished dyslexic with a degree in English. And I went back to school in my 40’s and may go back to school in my 50’s. My career has been very diverse. I even worked some temp jobs for a while in my 20’s. This time helped me rule out things I didn’t want to do. I take classes online constantly and have dumped several career paths.

Now at 50, with grown-up kids, I finally figured out what I want to do, even though I have been doing it unofficially all my life: counseling.

Many of my students (I teach English as a second language at a local college) have no idea why they are in school. They have a vague idea about wanting a better life and a higher paying job, but many have no idea why they are studying.

There is also a group of students I teach who are returning to school to get an undergraduate degree after being in the workforce for 5-25 years. This time they know why they are in school and what they want. I think this helps their motivation. Most of these people are married, have kids, and have a career. But they want to further it with a degree.

Maybe you should reconsider

If the thing you are doing or pursuing doesn’t feed your soul, then you are probably doing something that might have to be reconsidered. Not every path is linear. One of the things I do in my practice is help people with change.

I am not telling you to quit your job or commit financial suicide. Paying the bills is a great motivator for staying in a position. If people depend on you to be the provider, then that is something you must take into consideration when deciding. Not the only thing to consider, but an important thing.

Here is a list of 5 things to think about when you need something different in your life.

1. Give yourself permission to check out other options

Either in your field or with something completely different. See what else is out there that might make you a little more positive about moving forward.

2. Give yourself a generous timeline

Say, in six months, I am going to have three options lined up to choose from.

3. Make your new or old passion a hobby

Or do it part time so you can see how it feels. Try it on and see how it fits. If it fits! If it feels like your favorite old sweater or gets your heart and imagination racing, then you have some evidence to base a decision on, right?

4. Reach out to people

People in the industry of job or school you are interested in. Make a call a week. Spend 30 minutes a day searching online. Keep moving until you have reached your destination.

5. Give yourself permission

To quit or suspend your current education until you figure out what you want. Many schools or graduate programs will be okay with you taking a semester off to consider.

Most importantly:

Be patient with yourself and the people in your life. Change is hard, but can be so rewarding (Tweet it!)

And if you need a little guidance through a change, get in touch we’ll set up a call to discuss!

Be kind to yourself!

Now over to you: Have you ever felt like you were stuck? How did you deal with this situation?

 

 

 

 

When going through hell, keep going

“When going through hell, keep going”
-Winston Churchill

A friend of mine had a big birthday recently. We got to talking about how the things you think are important change as decades and life stages pass. One of the most profound things she said was “In my middle years, I want friends who are curious, compassionate and kind.” What a remarkable thought. She didn’t care how well travelled people were or professionally accomplished or highly educated. What she really wanted was to surround herself with people who were kind.

After thinking about it, I realized that I agreed with her. We all know that people who live in a constant state of high drama and competitiveness are exhausting. I remember joining a baby group when my kids were babies and the mothers compared their infant’s progress as if it were the Olympics: “My baby is speaking complete sentences at nine months”… I remember laughing out loud as I thought the woman was making a joke. Apparently I was the only one who thought it was funny.

My children are of legal age now. It’s kind of a shocking thing to have a really intense 24/7 kind of job that you age out of after 18-20 years. My heart goes out to all parents that invested so much of their beings into good solid parenting only to be out of a job after 18-20 years. Then the lag before we can hopefully become grandparents.

And we are also a generation who not only has children to love and raise but elderly parents to manage and care for as well. It takes a lot out of us. Several people I know have lost parents in the last year and it’s heartbreaking. And losing a parent – whether you have unfinished business with them, or a close relationship – still hurts. And it hurts for a long time. Parents are our buffers to mortality.

Reinvention is something that we do as we progress through our lives

Even if it isn’t categorized that way. Gone are the days when we start with a company and stay there for our entire adult lives and receive a gold watch and retire. People move from the city they were born and or raised in. And may move every time a they change jobs. We get married and divorced. Move to where our children settle or find warmer climates to retire. As fast as the world is changing we must figure out a way to live with those changes and not be overwhelmed by them.

So what do we do? We either embrace change realizing that not everything will be successful or easy. Or resist change and get unhappily swept along in a current we must work hard at to tread water. The third and least attractive option is to get stuck. Dig yourself in and neither move or live, but just exist.

One of the things I have found with many of the people I work with is that their suffering is self-inflicted. I believe suffering to be a choice. Not grieving – with each loss there needs to be whatever amount of time the person requires to construct a new normal – but allowing the pain of divorce or loss of a loved one or job or financial stability or good health become the place where they live. Better the pain you know then the unknown.

Pain can be a constant and familiar companion. It doesn’t have to be where you stay. (Tweet it!)

Sometimes we forget what we have to be grateful for and focus on the loss, hurt, or anger. We let it define us protecting us for more hurt and loss but also from experiencing joy. Cutting off the things that make life much more than a burden or something to be gotten through. It is a dark and heavy place to live.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
[magicactionbox id=1256]

If any of this sounds familiar and you really want to live your best life, begin by following the five steps below:

  1. Start with one thing you feel grateful for. Just one thing. It can be a small as the first daffodil after a spring snow storm. A chance meeting with an old friend. Your favorite team making it to the playoffs (go Blazers!). And I have found that one thought of gratitude leads to another and with each grateful thought some of the negative feelings you are experiencing dissipate.
  2. Acknowledging that you don’t want to live in a dark painful place is a good next step. Admitting that you want to move forward puts you in the right mindset to begin doing the moving forward.
  3. Tell a friend or work colleague that you are feeling down. Find a group online. Confide in someone going through a similar experience. It is always helpful to know someone out there is going through the same thing.
  4. Distract yourself in to feeling better. I was going through a difficult time with empty nesting last year. I couldn’t seem to get out of my own head. Then I discovered Audible books. Now if I am being a little obsessive about anything I grab my phone and earbuds and start listening to a book or comedy show or one of their great channels.
  5. If your black mood doesn’t shift or lift after several months seek some help. How do you know when it’s time? When you continue to feel miserable after trying the first four things on this list.

And what about you? Have you decided to embrace the change in your life with positivity? Or will you choose to stay with the hell you know?