On Mother’s Day after divorce

All holidays are a little more challenging after divorce. Anniversaries are difficult. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day too – especially if your children are too young to manage breakfast in bed or even know the days of the week. Or put crayon to paper instead of putting it into their mouths.

Mid-May is Mother’s Day in the United States and Canada. In the UK, it was celebrated in March. It has always surprised me that Mother’s Day is but one day a year. Motherhood is by far the most difficult and rewarding of all occupations. And it’s one you commit to for 18 years without a break. As my children get older, the worries get bigger. I had no idea that once they move out of your realm of influence, it is harder not to worry, hang on, and try not to interfere. With age comes wisdom and experience. Two things they don’t really want to hear about.

This year on Mother’s Day, my adult children will be away. One in the army and one in Africa. I do not share children with the man in my life and Sunday is just another day of the week here in Israel. My ex won’t remember, as it isn’t a local holiday. If I remind him, I might get a text. But that seems forced.

I speak with my coaching clients a lot about feeling appreciated. It’s tricky. We want recognition for our work but it was asked for it, we seem desperate.

For me, my own Mother’s Days ceased to be joyous when my own Mother died. She was very into multiple cards and small silly gifts. I have a brightly colored chenille robe that she bought me on her last Mother’s Day. I spoke to a friend this morning whose own mother passed last year. And she’s dreading the day.

Take the pressure off

So this year, let’s take the pressure off. If you have your kids with you, great. If not, your ex’s mother can get all dressed up and try to find a place to eat when everyone else is taking their mother out. So, you’ll end up at a crowded place with cold coffee and runny eggs. Don’t buy into the crazy.

If you are lucky enough to have a mother, then call her, send her a card, or make her breakfast if she’s close enough. Thank her on Sunday the 14th (and every day!!) for all that she’s done. And if you haven’t figured this out yet (everyone with teenagers say I!) we do not have children to be appreciated. If they turn out to be good, caring, decent people, then that’s a win. And sometimes we do absolutely everything right and it still doesn’t work out.

To be a good parent is to be a good person. Nobody is perfect. (Tweet it!)

Showing our children life’s reality is sometimes a painful thing. The year my Mother died, I cried for six months. My daughter was eleven and tall for her age. Whenever she saw me tear up she hugged me. And having these moments made it a little easier to be without my mom.

If your children resent you for the divorce now, that won’t last. When they have some real-life experience, they may thank you. Growing up in a tension-filled home without love isn’t doing anyone a favor. That is not the example I wanted my kids to grow up with.

Next Sunday I will toast my own mother. And take myself out for brunch if I want to or not.

Over to you: how will you spend Mother’s Day this year?