From our earliest memories, when we were exposed to stories of fables and folklore, we are told there is a happily ever after. Whether it be animated shorts, films, or books, the story is often the same.
One person. One true love. One prince/princess, pirate, or thief who will come save us from our lives.
No matter how much our lives suck: living in a tower, lost fortunes, unable to speak, poor and covered with cinders (yep Cinderella got her name from sweeping ashes out of fireplaces) there’s always someone on their way to save us.
Disney has been particularly helpful in perpetuating this myth of soulmates
Don’t think that I haven’t noticed that the conflict comes from killing off the mother in the first few minutes. Or just making her absent. Examples, Bambi, Finding Nemo, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, Frozen, and an excessive amount of time in new Mary Poppins Returns reminding viewers that the mom is dead. And it’s just that, a story.
The princess is saved by the price. Their eyes meet and BAM! they are in love forever. They go off and live in the big castle in the sunshine and nothing bad ever happens after. We don’t see it anyway. At least not in the film or book.
Swooning Soulmates drawn together by the universe who fall madly in love and that’s the end of the story. But is it really?
My point here is not to burst your pink shiny bubble
My point is to call bullshit on this happily-ever-after stuff. Especially strong women being saved by princes. I’m not alone in this feeling. Have a look at perhaps one of my favorite animated cinematic moment which drives home my point here. It’s refreshing to see a princess tell it like it is.
In my coaching experience, I had a client who had a pattern of dating people who made them miserable.
They were in a continuous state of apology and acquiescence when there was no wrongdoing or blame. They hadn’t been together very long but one partner was living under the delusion that the relationship was going to the next level. Getting married, merging families, and totally uprooting everyone’s life, including 5 young kids between them, is not a decision to take lightly. Trouble was, the relationship hadn’t really progressed to that level. One wanted to be married to anyone, a reasonable facsimile would work. They foresaw a happily-ever-after scenario where one didn’t exist and had no basis in reality.
I only asked my client one question. “Why would you make a commitment to someone who makes you miserable?” My client was a bit put off at first but then began to think about what was good in the relationship and couldn’t come up with much of a list. In fact, most of their communication was arguments via text message…
I’m not going to hide that having Sarah Silverstein as a race car driving, first ever, Jewish Disney Princess is exciting to me.
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In real life, relationships fail
Marriages end, people die, bad things happen to everyone, and there is nothing wrong with you. “Life isn’t fair, it’s just life.”– Rob Lowe. Yep, he said it. Historically when women were not legally allowed to work or own property, this ‘soulmates’ stuff may have helped people live the lives they were in. As the centuries have gone on, things have evened up a bit and all sorts of different family units have been formed.
In my estimation, this is how it works and it’s based in our biology. It’s that first blush of… let’s call it lust. Pheromones in which everyone looks like a soulmate. All the rough edges are smoothed, money isn’t an issue, ambition or drive isn’t important. The horrible way her family treats you doesn’t matter. Love conquers all. You just bask in that hormonal glow that helps keep the population growing.
The truth is, there is no perfect piece to your puzzle. There may be pieces that fit better than others at different times for different reasons. (Tweet it!)
I don’t want anyone to ever feel bad that they don’t have a soulmate. Having a community that feeds your soul is a more positive and can be much more fulfilling option.
And that’s my point. Did you ever wonder where these stories came from originally? I did a little research and here is what I came up with.
1800-2000 BCE the Egyptians in the Book of the Dead it may state that the origin of the split soul theory derives from the Heliopolis creation myth, and the model of two gods, Shu & Tefnut, and their god souls, deriving from one god, Atum, and his one God soul
385 BCE was the first time the idea of ‘soulmates’ might have been first discussed by Aristophanes in his work, Symposium, he tells Socrates that human beings used to have four arms, four legs, and two faces, and they were happy and complete. But Zeus was jealous and split them in two, with his thunderbolt. Now, humans spend their lives searching for their other half. This idea of an “other half” has been with us ever since.
In ancient Greek mythology, there were round beings of three different sorts. They had two halves, male-male, male-female, and female-female. One day, for no apparent reason, they attacked Zeus, God of everything, and he was so angry he split these souls into two pieces and this causes them great pain and sorrow.
Relationships are everything
But all kinds of relationships. Love can be what keeps us going but not the soulmate, unrealistic, magical stardust of two people who are destined for one another.
If you are in a happy and healthy relationship, that’s amazing. And I applaud you. I have never been to a wedding where people didn’t claim to be soulmates. At least for that moment in time. A huge portion of the start of your relationship is spent on what the wedding will look like and who will be invited. I think a better use of time and resources would be, getting to know your bride or groom really well before rushing to the altar. Maybe the divorce rate would be lower if we waited for that rush to wear off and built a solid, lasting, and loving friendship.
But that’s just me.
Now over to you: What do you think about building a healthy relationship and how to interpret the modern ‘soulmates’? What are the red flags?
Be kind to yourself.
Resources:
Heliopolis Creation myth
The Gods Shu and Tefnut