How to know when it’s time to break up with a friend

How to know when it's time to break up with a friend | Tamara Mendelson

Friendships are an integral part of our lives going back to the first friends we had living in the same house, our siblings. Or maybe cousins or other people like the friends of our parents that came across our paths. Later, it would be the other children at pre-school. The ones we learned to take or share toys with. Push, bite, hug, chase around the playground. We practiced how to interact with other human beings.

Some of us are lucky enough to still be in contact with our friends from kindergarten (yeah Facebook), kids from the neighborhood, youth groups or summer camp. Sometimes, we make friends from grade school, junior high school, high school, or college. Perhaps work friends or people with hobbies in common or professional groups.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about reconnecting with old friends. Especially this time of year. Now let’s talk about the flip side of that same coin…

When to break up with a friend.

People move in and out of our lives all the time. The challenge is to know which friends to let go of and which to keep. Relationships can be nurturing and loving or harmful and toxic. Let’s not forget all the gray areas in between. Being with people can lift you up or bring you down. Dynamics can change and jealousy or circumstances can bring you together or pull you apart. I talk about this a lot with clients during coaching sessions.

It can be an event that makes you closer or divides you. There have been a few times that I have been unable to continue a friendship because an act that is so thoughtless hurt me to my core. The friendship wasn’t new. It was strong and deep and a decade long. We had shared many meals and events and our children grew up together. I had been generous with my time and limited resources. There was a lot of love. Early morning airport pickups and hospital runs. Hugs and laughter.

Then over an event my partner’s kids and I were invited to, I participated in the pre-event festivities. It was a lovely event. The day after, I was told by text in no uncertain terms that I had not given enough money.

I was humiliated and heartbroken and hurt to the core.

I wrote a check I couldn’t afford. Then I questioned a few people who maybe knew better than I did about the etiquette of the situation. One person after another agreed with me. My partner was angry and upset for me.

A few weeks later, I visited their home and we talked about the incident. And said some of the right things but I continued to feel so bad and so hurt that I couldn’t continue the relationship with the same generous open spirit. The friendship has never been the same. Sometimes, it’s one event. Sometimes it’s an erosion or an unevenness in participation.

And we need to keep ourselves safe emotionally, even from people that we care about and call friends. (Tweet it!)

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So how to tell when it’s time to break up with a friend?

5 simple rules:

1. When jokes or comments are constantly made at your expense.

Or you are embarrassed in public. And the phrase just kidding keeps being said. It is often a passive-aggressive situation. This isn’t a friend but someone who uses you as a human comic punching bag putting you down to make themselves feel better.

2. They are undependable.

Forgetting important events or plans. Doesn’t make you a priority or continually makes other plans even after you have confirmed a date or get together. Sorry, I’m double booked. Everyone is busy and your time is equally important. If you feel you are being taken for granted you probably are.

3. Someone you feel like you have to chase to get in touch with them.

You are always calling and always making plans. If you didn’t you would never see them at all. There are friendships that you value and this might be the price but you have to decide if reciprocity is important to you or not. If it doesn’t bother or worry you then don’t count this person out if you enjoy their company in spite of being the plans maker all the time.

4. Someone who is completely self-centered.

Or self-focused and only uses you as a sounding board or to complain to or dump on. Yes, we all have difficult times when things are all about us but it can’t be that way all the time. Friendship should be a give and take, not a take and take and take.

5. Do you feel supported by your friends?

Do they make you feel good to be with them? And do they tell you the truth and have your back? Or do you feel like you have to defend yourself and be guarded about what you tell them? It’s all about trust. When you invest yourself in another human being you need to know there is a level of trust. If not, they are not good for you.

A good rule to remember is that a friend keeps your secrets, they see you and take your side and tell you the truth. You feel better when you talk to them and spend time with them. They are not a burden but a blessing.

This year give yourself the gift of people who lift you up and not bring you down. To have good friends you have to be a good friend. If you find you need a little extra help, reach out.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you have any friendships that might not lift you up anymore? Is it time to break up with that friend?

5 behaviors to leave behind when getting over a breakup

I’m not saying that wallowing after a breakup isn’t allowed. A certain period of mourning is expected and even healthy as the loss you are feeling is great. But moving on without dealing with your feelings can backfire months or years down the line.

Be responsible for you and your immediate family. If a whole office, company, or community of people is depending on you, let them know that you are taking a step back for a while. Delegate until you feel up to the task again. And you will.

Here’s a great example of not dealing with your feelings after a breakup: Dating and going straight into a new intense relationship almost immediately! If you don’t give yourself the time to reflect on what went wrong or what didn’t work in the previous relationship, don’t expect the next one to be any better! The unresolved issues will carry into the next relationship and can easily sabotage it.

Who doesn’t want to feel that elation in a new relationship? Suddenly you are fascinating to someone else and you’re elated. The honeymoon period is a wash of emotions, and this person seems PERFECT. But jumping into another relationship immediately after a breakup puts a lot of pressure on you to try to erase the past or rewrite it. You’ll be constantly comparing this new person to your ex — and anyone seems amazing compared to them — even someone who’s actually not so great.

People and relationships are not black and white. No one is perfect. And human interaction is far from perfect. As my boyfriend is fond of saying “Everyone’s shit smells.” And he has a point.

So what do we do to avoid this idealized view of a new person?

Time. Take time to get to know them and not fill in the blanks with your fantasies.
Letting your feelings be felt after the breakup is the best way to move towards healing. All of us need a period to mourn what was. The time will depend entirely on you and what you need. If you keep them bottled up inside churning like acid, they will eventually corrode the core that is your emotional well-being!

So here are my top 5 behaviors to leave behind BEFORE you let a new person into your life (Tweet it!)

Social media: Do not look at or respond to your ex’s social media after the breakup. People lie and always put their best face forward. If your ex’s new chick is younger, hotter, or richer, you don’t know the whole story and all it does is make you feel bad. You don’t need her picture burned into your brain. Why would you torture yourself?

Being a weepy mess: Everyone who has gone through a big messy breakup needs to fully experience this stage of post-coupledom life for as long as they need to. If you are a weepy mess, be a weepy mess but don’t expect even your closest friends or family to want to hear about it 24/7. Get some professional help (yes that’s what I do) and work on getting yourself back together. For those of you that have joined our group – well done. This is a safe space and we are happy to have you.

Listening to the negative tapes in your head: Don’t listen to the little gremlins in your mind that tell you that the breakup was your fault or you are not enough. If you were thinner, richer, more interesting etc. You are the best you that you can be. You are unique and talented and special. If there are things you want to change for you, take this as an opportunity to work on the things you want to work on to improve yourself for you and your children. But you are enough RIGHT NOW.

Kicking yourself around: Be kind to yourself after a breakup. You may feel like a failure now, but you DESERVE self-love. This is not the time to add pressure. And this is not the time to start new projects. This is the time to begin to heal. Make the words you say to yourself gentle and loving. Get a massage or just take your two hands and rub the back or your neck. Feel the tension? Do things that are soothing for you. Music, exercise, coffee with a friend. For a cheap spa experience, warm some nice smelling oil in the micro (don’t boil it) for a few seconds and rub your feet with it. Repeat to yourself in a loving voice, “I am more than enough” as many times as you need to start believing it.

Watching negative news: Limit your intake of bad news. The world is in a mess right now. Floods and fires, destruction and death. In some places, complete devastation. We cannot constantly take in news like this and be okay. Make a small donation if you want to help. I sent underwear to Houston through Amazon. I knew that it would go directly to the people who needed it and felt a little better that someone will have clean underwear to put on tomorrow. And that makes me feel a little better.

Just as you would not pour salt directly into a cut, scrape or other wound, stop doing the things that bring you more pain. Breakups are tough. Be kind to yourself. And when you’ve done these things, only then are you ready to invite a new love into your life.

Now over to you: which habits do you need to work on before you start dating again? I’d love to hear!

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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