When we were children, every slight from a sibling, cousin, or classmate was remembered. These slights were likely returned immediately when the adult on duty had their back turned. If someone hit you, you hit back. When a friend snatched your eraser, you grabbed their pencil. If someone grabbed your toy, you grabbed it back. If someone called you stupid, they were stupid. We were masters of keeping score. But as we grew older and began to understand the ways of polite society, we learned not to keep score in the same way. We learned that words were often more powerful than deeds.
Sitting in rush hour traffic this morning, the man behind me honked his horn before the light turned green. Should I move? Gesture with my middle finger in the rear view mirror? Block his way completely? Tit for tat? I laughed at myself and proceeded on my way. And then I thought about keeping score and how both my ex-husband and I had done this during our marriage. I cover these kind of behaviors with my coaching clients. I wish I was smart enough to talk to someone about it years ago.
It doesn’t make sense to keep score when you’re in a partnership.
When both parties are getting what they want and need, there’s no reason to fill in a scorecard. (Tweet it!)
As communication breaks down and hurt feelings and disappointments give way to score keeping, it is extremely difficult to return to even. Especially if one spouse does the majority of the emotional heavy lifting in the relationship.
I remember inviting a couple over for meals several times during our marriage and they always accepted happily but without a single return invitation. This went on for years. My ex-husband and I argued about it. I remember feeling a bit ungracious but also like a grown up. The time and energy put into those meals was a lot of effort. We had two small children and busy lives. It was not a “give and take” relationship — it was a “take and take” relationship. So I simply stopped inviting this couple over.
We’ve all had relationships like this. A family member or close friend that feels entitled to our time and energy. There is no reciprocity in this kind of relationship. It’s not keeping score when it is completely one-sided. It is a decision to invest in relationships that nurture you, make you feel better, and lift you up emotionally. The positive relationships are easy to identify. These are with the people you feel you NEVER get to spend enough time with.
It’s not my recommendation to end all relationships in your life that are unequal. But I want you to take a closer look and reserve your time and energy for the people in your lives that build you up. In a grown-up relationship, you give and receive. Make the “give and take” relationships a priority – this forces you to limit the time you spend on the emotionally depleting “take and take” relationships.
